


State of Seduction

by cloudgyeom



Category: GOT7
Genre: -Ish, Angst, Denial of Feelings, Drinking, Enemies and Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Friends With Benefits, Jinyoung isn't any better, M/M, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Swearing, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love, Yugyeom is a whole mess, but they'll learn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2019-10-03 15:25:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17286602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudgyeom/pseuds/cloudgyeom
Summary: For all he knew, Jinyoung could've been poking a representational voodoo doll of Yugyeom even in his sleep. Bambam liked to think he had the brains, but did he really? Leave it for everyone else to solve the puzzle.





	1. Sane? I don't think so.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello people! It's my first time publishing something of mine on ao3! I've had countless ideas for Jingyeom fics throughout the time I've been writing other ships and it's always been on top of my mind to publish a fic including them. I'm a huge sucker for everything Yugyeom and I LOVE the dynamics of this duo so it's something I'll always write with pleasure. The title is from a Digital Daggers' song "State of seduction". It was a slight source to my inspiration so check it out if you want to! Enjoy! :)  
> -C

It was one particularly bad night when Yugyeom finally understood what Bambam had once meant by 'd _on't drink too much or it'll come bite you in the ass later'_. 2:29, to be exact, when he first knelt above the toilet bowl to empty his stomach from all the contents he'd devoured that day.

Only an unfinished glass of wine, red, the cheapest from the store, stood lonely on the table with fingerprints and a mark from a pair of lips around the rim as its owner hovered sick over the porcelain in the bathroom.

He wasn't surprised that he once again hadn't taken any notice on his friend's advise, not really. But was he disappointed? Very much so, he thought as he dropped his head in between his shoulders and slumped further against the seat, stomach in knots from whichever reason he didn't even bother to count.

See, he could only take so much until he finally cracked, considered himself done and grabbed the bottle the same he did with everything else in his life. Fuck it. Fuck everything. Fuck everyone. Figuratively? Literally? Depended on his mood, really.

It's not like he didn't know this kind of mentality and way of thinking was toxic. That had always been something he was very well aware of, though did nothing to change the fact even when given a chance.

His pride just kept getting in the way.

The unpleasantly large amount of said trait was slyly preventing him from getting any help, applying to schools or any part-time summer job that didn't require education, visiting the nearest corner store for groceries or even getting a goddamn house for himself. 

Because he only did what he wanted to do, what he felt like accomplishing and more often than not, it was nothing. If someone were to suggest something first, the idea was immediately binned, evaporated, forgotten in the deepest pits of his mind. He didn't need anyone's opinions, had to prove that everything he did was because he himself desired to do so, not because someone was asking him to.

Pride was what kept Yugyeom lingering at his friend's cramped studio apartment. Pride was what caused the pair to squeeze into the same impossibly narrow bed every night because Jinyoung just didn't have the heart to make him sleep on the floor. (claimed he knew how bad back pains it would entail)

Staying at Jinyoung's, in turn, was what kept Yugyeom defying the temptations, had him fall in bed with him day after another whether it was to sleep, smoke, fight or fuck. Whatever it was they made themselves believe wasn't a complete waste of time.

There were nights when Jinyoung, despite his capability of making Yugyeom feel full at peace, was remarkably good at absolutely infuriating him. Mastered at it to the point where the only way to get him to shut up was Yugyeom pushing him against a wall, punching the breath out of him and shoving a tongue so far in his throat he couldn't mumble a thing.

There were nights when they did nothing but smoke a pack of cigarettes in the comfort of each other's company and bask in the fog, windows open since Jinyoung couldn't afford a house with an actual balcony to spend a night in. Damn him and his travesty of a paycheck.

There were nights when Jinyoung was so dead-beat after his miserable shift at work he didn't have time for any of Yugyeom's bullshit and just punched him straight in the face, inflicting a drunk fist fight between the two of them that both were too proud to apologize for in the morning.

And then there were nights like this, disappointing, unadventurous nights when Jinyoung didn't come home at all and Yugyeom had to find some other use to his boring life. He'd called Bambam earlier in the evening, asked him for a drink or two in the local club but Bambam was busy so he declined. Yugyeom didn't mind. He enjoyed being by himself.

Until rather than being alone, he felt lonely, and found an unopened bottle of wine as well as two half empty flasks of Jinyoung's hidden whiskey from the depths of their kitchen cupboard.

3:33, said the clock in angry, red numbers when Yugyeom finally managed to crawl back in bed with a bucket under his arm for future sickness. The key still hadn't turned on the lock, Jinyoung was still absent, and Yugyeom was starting to question his sanity as he fell on his back, exhausted from puking the guts out of his already thin body.

5:28, half asleep, he finally felt the bed dip under someone's weight. A familiar scent soared up in his nose, a mix of cheap cologne and apple shampoo he'd learned to tolerate due to Jinyoung's command. A tuft of dark hair tickled his face as Jinyoung tucked himself next to him, stole all the blankets and nuzzled into his side for more warmth since the heating bill from the previous month had been forgotten in the back of their bottom drawer and noticed only when Jinyoung had been clearing the cabinets for some more room, most likely for all of his hoarded trash.

It was only August, and quite warm if you asked Yugyeom, but it didn't matter since Jinyoung was always complaining about being cold anyway and rummaged through his wardrobe for some woolly socks as early as midsummer. August could've as well been winter to him.

Yugyeom kicked Jinyoung's legs off his own just to be petty as the older tried to tangle them in a mess together.

That's right, Jinyoung, no cuddling happening tonight.

After a few grunts, uneasy tosses and turns on the bed for a more comfortable position, two false alarms for the bucket, and a desperate search for ear plugs to cover Jinyoung's snoring, Yugyeom was finally asleep.

Or as asleep as he could be.

A nuisance of an alarm woke him up two hours later and he cursed at Jinyoung's completely unreasonable working hours under his breath while slowly pushing himself up to lean on his elbows and rolling his eyes to get the zigzag out of his vision. Accompanied by waves of nausea and a massive, pounding headache, Yugyeom slapped the older's back to get him off him from salivating on his shirt. But Jinyoung didn't budge.

Understandable, Yugyeom pursed his lips. It's not often he'd get up at the asscrack of dawn either, but the ultimate problem wasn't the early mornings but the fact that Jinyoung wasn't weightless, so instead of a feather, a weight of an unconscious, limp man pressed him uncomfortably against the mattress and deflated his lungs from air.

With a well practised flick of fingers, Jinyoung got a significant fillip on his temple and a knee in his crotch, sending the poor man tumbling off the bed from the tiny space he was occupying. Yugyeom listened to the low grunt echo from the carpeted floor and off the empty walls, would've smirked, too, if his stomach hadn't just cramped in a way so painful he couldn't move a muscle. He watched Jinyoung struggle to get up and run a hand through disheveled hair, exposing forehead.

An action so hot so early in the morning? Jinyoung really didn't suppress himself. Fuck him.

Yugyeom's stomach lurched again, if not from the urge to vomit, then at least from some kind of arousal gurgling low in his gut when Jinyoung wiped the dried spit on his chin with the back of his hand and hissed. Within a second, the man was lunging back on him, fingers tightening in Yugyeom's hair and tugging his head back, thigh nudged in between his legs while another hand clutched the front of his shirt.

You know, the usual morning in the Kim-Park household.

Though Yugyeom didn't know what this exact one would bring in its train. And perhaps it was the reason to why he always got so excited, why he never had a single boring moment with Jinyoung because half of the time, he didn't know shit about what went on between the man's ears. If there even was something in there.

He'd asked about it once, drunk and high on... something he'd stolen from Jinyoung that night and had received a punch on his arm, a yellow-ish purple bruise a long term proof of it.

So with blankets gathered around his waist, heels digging into the mattress, Yugyeom waited. He waited for Jinyoung with breath on hold, that's what he always did regardless of the situation. That's what he was good at if asked. Waiting.

So he did until the hand in his hair yanked up and a silent curse fell from his lips, whine about to follow but getting caught in his throat.

It was the first time Jinyoung actually spoke that morning. Or threatened him, he wasn't sure. Usually he left it for Yugyeom to intepret.

"Let it be the last time you kick me out of  _my_ bed, you brat."

Now, if that was a threat, then Yugyeom was a next level rocket scientist.

"So you keep saying." Yugyeom pushed the buttons he knew he shouldn't. "But what are you gonna do about it, huh?" he challenged. "Seems like rather empty words to me."

Yugyeom wasn't one to squeal, not usually, but when the knee in his groin hitched up and pressed down at the same time after his unnecessary statement, the crybaby inside of him stirred in its sleep and he wailed out loud, shrill and high-pitched. 

A harsh knock and a string of profanities from the other side of the wall startled them both, Yugyeom surprised that whoever their neighbor was hadn't come through yet during the five months of his stay. Paper thin walls and a multi-storey building didn't really harmonize with their lifestyle but what could they do about it other than laugh. It's not like they had the money for any kind of luxury. 

"You didn't come home last night." Yugyeom pointed out the obvious, breathless when Jinyoung finally loosened his grip on his hair and he could talk again without choking on his spit.

He didn't get a reply.

"Who were you with?"

"Myself." came the answer. "Are you getting hard?"

"Wha -- " Yugyeom glanced down. "Fuck off, don't act like you wouldn't."

"Okay." Jinyoung said, indifferent. "I won't."

And that was that.

Eyes cast up, Yugyeom followed the way Jinyoung shifted above him, the way his tongue slid across his lips and left them all wet and shiny like every aftermath of their make out sessions in the dark after midnight.

Had he been any dumber, he would've probably thought Jinyoung was doing this inadvertently, just wetting the dry skin. But he knew the kind of schemer he was. He knew it because he could recognize himself in him, and it only added to the tension levitating above them, two relentless men trying to fight each other whether it was with words, fists or sex. There was always that hint of pent-up frustration they took out on each other and Yugyeom loved it, basked in it in dead earnest.

Maybe it was wrong to do so, maybe it wasn't, but he didn't complain and neither did Jinyoung. This was what his life was, and this was how it would continue to be.

\--


	2. Throwback birthdays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We'll take a closer look at Bambam. Or, at least Yugyeom will.

"I'm gonna throw up."

"Again?" Jinyoung asked as Yugyeom scrambled up from their bed for the nth time to bolt into the bathroom. A takeout box of noodles tipped over on the soft blankets in the process, Jinyoung still functioning too slow and not being able to catch it before it lost its balance and colored their bedsheets a nice burgundy.

Jinyoung made sure to add the cleaner's into their list of monthly expenses, meanwhile Yugyeom fell on his knees in front of the toilet bowl right in time as his insides decided to make his life very difficult again. Strands of hair fell disruptively on his face and stuck to his sweaty forehead as he retched loudly, the skin on his bare knees getting scratched up from the jagged tiles.

Perhaps he should finally start listening to Bambam.

Not to copy paste everything he says, no way, but a bit. Because every time he was hugging the toilet, arrested on a station for whatever overly ridiculous reason or beaten up after a drunken bar fight, he found himself thinking about Bambam and his voice telling him he should loosen up and get a grip on his life. _You're already 21, Yugyeom, you should know better,_ was his perpetual weapon.

A long sigh trembled in the air and pulled Yugyeom out of his scattered mind. He turned to where Jinyoung had appeared in the doorway with a fresh glass of water in hand, and call him stupid, but for a moment Yugyeom actually thought he'd been forgiven for emptying the other's booze stash the previous night.

But Jinyoung was the worst case of masochism, Yugyeom had learned that the hard way when he'd accidentally ripped a page off his favorite book and Jinyoung had him tied to the bookshelf for the next couple of hours before sending him off to buy ten copies of the exact same one. What he did to the nine extras, Yugyeom didn't know and hadn't asked, but what he'd been painfully aware of was the money vanishing from his bank account like it had never been there in the first place.

The next time Yugyeom had passed the bookshelf, his gaze had fallen on a knotted bike lock going through the handles and a pretty pink post-it note on the smudged glass ordering Yugyeom to " _stay the fuck away from my property_ " or Jinyoung would make him sleep on the floor. He threatened to have bulletproof doors installed, too, but according to the other they were too pricey for him to afford.

So Yugyeom knew about Jinyoung's gluttony for punishment, thus he also knew when to dodge as the water in the glass was no longer meant for drinking but to be aimed straight at him. With a skilled move, Yugyeom slid himself in the narrow space between the toilet and a wall, and the water ended up splashing disappointingly on the tiles next to him. Only the hem of his (read: Jinyoung's) way too big pyjama shirt got caught in the puddle and, although still in pain, he smirked at the bummed man in front of him in victory.

Yugyeom 1, Jinyoung 0.

"You owe me 50 bucks." was all Jinyoung grumbled as he turned on his heels and walked out.

 

\--

 

"You don't happen to have 50 bucks on you?"

Yugyeom tried to be subtle, he really did, but as the only actually a bit rational person in his life, Bambam caught on way too quickly for his liking and glared at him from his cup of coffee. His expression alone told Yugyeom more than an entire speech.

"I won't pay your debts, Yugyeom, are you stupid?" he ranted.

 _Yes_ , Yugyeom wanted to say but held it in as he shrugged in his seat and stirred his own drink; an iced latte with chocolate and peppermint syrup.

It was a world shaking wonder he'd even agreed to go for a coffee to a small, simple coffee shop on the outskirts instead of heading to a boisterous club in town and getting piss drunk -- again, but Bambam had always had that extraordinary talent of wrapping Yugyeom around his finger so he guessed that was it. No explanations needed. Yugyeom was determined but Bambam was unwaveringly strong willed and persuasive, so while Yugyeom had always been neck on neck with Jinyoung, he could of never even imagined defeating Bambam.

"Why do you even live with him anymore?" Bambam changed the subject. "The apartment is barely spacious for one idiot and you've got two living under the same roof. Are you like, a couple or something?"

Even Bambam cringed at his own absurd words at the end and only for that did Yugyeom resist the huge urge to throw his whole cup of latte at him.

"Fuck no." he hissed. _No_ , because he didn't have the tiniest idea of what Jinyoung and him were together. No Pythagorean theorem or equation could even come close to the mess that was the sum of Jinyoung plus Yugyeom, and it was a math problem he'd never want to willingly solve. All he was aware of was that they were two, in many ways frustrated individuals, and that's as far as he let himself think about it.

Hand stilling on his long tea spoon and with accusing eyes, he added, "You think I'd be messing with you if we were? I'm not completely immoral."

"That was three months ago, you dumbass. Things change." Bambam opened his phone and went straight to the calendar where lay a red circle around the 2nd of May. "Three months and four days ago." he corrected. "And it was my birthday."

"So?"

"A kiss on a birthday doesn't count."

"How does it not count?" Yugyeom scoffed.

"You gave it as a gift. You said -- Do you even remember what you said? You said you couldn't afford a card so you wanted to give a gift with no material value whatsoever because it was, in your words, _more meaningful_." he mocked Yugyeom's voice.

Yugyeom gave him the finger. "Do you always keep track on the days you've got lucky?"

It was a genuinely curious question but earned Yugyeom a harsh slap on his thigh as well as the loss of his last piece of cake that Bambam stole from his plate and popped into his mouth like he'd paid for it himself.

Well, technically, he _had_ , but Yugyeom promised to pay him back so that meant he had no right to devour the final bit of his chocolate heaven.

There would also probably be fingerprints on his leg the next day, and there would most _definitely_ be a snide Jinyoung breathing down his neck for the rest of the week when he'd discover the, this time, completely and utterly innocent imprints on his skin.

"Only if I ever feel like using them as blackmail material." Bambam answered with a grin from ear to ear as he sipped his bitter black coffee.

A drink to perfectly match the person, Yugyeom thought.

Apparently Bambam was on the same wavelength with him since not so long after he was urging Yugyeom to taste that selfsame bitterness too. Yugyeom put on note how much he hated the fact that Bambam could read his mind so well and Bambam smiled smugly as his friend's face twisted in disgust when his tongue came in contact with the poison that was unsweetened coffee.

"I could be doing bodyshots off Jinyoung right at this very moment if it wasn't for your sweet talk." Yugyeom grumbled.

"You'd also be absolutely fucking drunk right at this very moment if it wasn't for my sweet talk." Bambam reminded him. Once again, Yugyeom hated that he was right.

"Touché." he admitted. "I love doing bodyshots off Jinyoung, though."

"You could do bodyshots of iced latte off me and have just as much fun."

Yugyeom lifted a suspicious brow. "Is that a promise or an attempt to keep me sober?"

"Could be both." Bambam said.

 _Could_. Yugyeom clung on the word like a burdock. If there was one thing that kept him somewhat in his senses, it was the unknown and the thrill he got from it. Everything predictable was boring to him and the experience was always the best when it turned out unexpected, when he had more than one alternative. He never turned down a challenge, not a single one, and he had Jinyoung as a living proof. That, and the history of the most random behaviour a person can manage. He liked to live on the edge and take risks and not give a fuck about what someone else had to say.

"Is your flat empty?" Yugyeom asked. Such a stupid question since he knew Bambam lived alone.

But Bambam was used to it. An affirmative nod was all that got Yugyeom to jump up from the booth and his smile to grow impossibly bright. _It's almost scary_ , Jinyoung had once commented and Yugyeom had spat directly on his face without a second thought. In his defence, he was very annoyed at the time and Jinyoung was irritating him on purpose.

Yugyeom watched as Bambam grabbed his jacket from the back of his chair and poured the last of his coffee down his throat. He gestured for Yugyeom to pick up his latte he almost forgot, and off they went with their newfound enthusiasm for something they'd definitely come to regret the next day.

Two hours and three wrong buses later the two were standing on Bambam's front porch. Bambam had struggled to find his keys for the first few long minutes and Yugyeom had suggested throwing a rock through a window because why the hell not, to which Bambam had only muttered something about Yugyeom's weird ways of solving things again.

Finally in the hallway, and half of the latte they had carried carefully like it was a small baby with them throughout the trip had disappeared into a thirsty Yugyeom and they had a problem.

 

_"I can just throw it up." Yugyeom had joked._

_"That's the most disgusting thing that's come out of your mouth in a while." Bambam had pointed out for him. "And you do spew a lot of shit."_

 

Idea #1 : rejected.

 

Bambam refused to go back in the coffee house, understandably so. Yugyeom wouldn't have been opposed to it, it was his idea after all, but the change in weather made him crawl back inside after the first streak of lightning. Bambam grew annoyed so Yugyeom had to work his magic and massage him better, meaning he spent half an hour oiling his back and listening to the whining underneath him. Water was boring, and when Yugyeom finally found some champagne from the cupboard under the sink, Bambam insisted it was a present for his grandparents and they couldn't use it.

Bullshit, called Yugyeom, but left it unsaid.

"Fuck this, we're not doing bodyshots." Yugyeom threw the idea away an hour into the mess. He could tell Bambam had noticed the change in his demeanour and it was something he almost felt bad about.

Almost.

He was aware that his frustration was fit only for Jinyoung, that he wouldn't think much of it since he was the same and they could take it out on each other. He annoyed Jinyoung as much as Jinyoung annoyed him. But what came to Bambam?

Somewhere deep in his guts, quilt gnawed at him and welled up so close to the brim that it would've spilled out as an apology for ruining the mood at any tense second. But scratch that, Yugyeom would much rather just leave and slam the door behind him.

He didn't get far. Really, he didn't. A step into the hallway and he was pressed against the rough wall with a surprising pair of lips on his. The way he got a thigh between his legs again threw him a vague flashback of the previous morning with Jinyoung and he sighed -- no, whined at the familiar pressure.

"Your birthday's soon, right?" Bambam sounded breathless as if the kiss had been more than a peck.

"Not in over three months, actually -- "

It was definitely not the time to act more sarcastic than needed, Yugyeom realized that when Bambam's chest pressed closer and hit his own, punching the breath out of him. At this point, Yugyeom was hundred percent sure Bambam didn't know what he was doing, and even more certain he didn't either. Sometimes he found himself wondering if Bambam was as erratic as him or if Yugyeom had just rubbed it off on him since they spent so much time together.

Either way, so much for the rationality.

"Let's pretend it's a birthday." Bambam suggested. "Birthdays don't count, right?"

"Your words, not mine." said Yugyeom as he cupped his face to dive straight back into the sweet taste of Bambam's vanilla chapstick. The older met him halfway and let their teeth clash together with more force, more intention, more passion than whatever that pathetic peck from a few months ago had been.

"I taste it." Bambam hummed in between messy kisses. He knew Yugyeom would ask so without letting him, he cleared, "I taste the latte."

"I taste vanilla." Yugyeom hummed back in thought. "It was coconut last time."

"Only you'd lick your lips after an innocent kiss from a friend." Bambam chuckled and Yugyeom followed suit though another kiss moulded his lips to fit on Bambam's again.

"I still would rather have Jinyoung's secret booze on my tastebuds." Yugyeom complained, but it was with humor this time rather than a complaint.

"You love me more than Jinyoung, though."

Yugyeom took a breather here to look at his friend for a long moment, eyes squinting in distrust. "You just want to hear me say yes." he finally concluded.

"Perhaps I do." was Bambam's shameless answer.

In conclusion, it definitely wasn't going to be the bodyshots they'd be regretting.

\--


	3. Adept at backtracking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New faces bring new problems. Naturally.

"You should get a tongue piercing."

Yugyeom woke up to an arm draped over his middle and a man suggesting him to take another hole in his body, and for the first time in ages he didn't have the immediate urge to kick the person out of the bed. Partly because he didn't recognize the voice as Jinyoung's, partly because this just somehow happened to be a better morning among all his dismal ones.

Right, morning. Had he actually slept through the night?

That was a first.

"Did you not hear what I said or are you just pretending to be asleep?" Bambam asked. A second later a fluffy nest of blonde hair was pressed against his bare chest. It brought a whiff of something to Yugyeom's nostrils but he had more than a hard time trying to differentiate what it was, whether it was something Bambam wore or if it came from his ridiculously many scented candles surrounding his whole room.

And Yugyeom was not exaggerating, not one bit.

There was one on the windowsill, one on each side of the bed on tiny tables, a few decorating his desk, at least a dozen in a neat circle atop his drawer and two more up at the ceiling, hanging from some ugly DIY set-up Bambam had always refused to take down.

"Stop breathing so loud if you don't want me to know you're awake." came the unwanted advise.

"Stop nagging unless you really want to sound like Jinyoung." Yugyeom shot back, keeping his eyes closed. A dramatic sigh came from beside him and the arm withdrew itself, leaving Yugyeom disappointed and colder than before.

"I just...don't get it." Bambam slammed his head on the pillow, biting his lip. "We could be talking about fairies and the Neverland and Jinyoung would still somehow become the center of our conversation." he whined and turned his head back to Yugyeom. "Tell me, why is Jinyoung always the center of our conversations?"

"Because, it's my subtle way of warning you. I don't want you to become an embodiment of something that evil." replied Yugyeom sarcastically.

"Dumbass." Bambam scoffed.

"Who are you calling dumb here?" Yugyeom finally cracked an eye open to see where to aim his kick but Bambam was quicker, as always, and took a grip of his leg to save himself.

"You." he said, all amusement gone from his tone. "I'm calling you dumb, Yugyeom, because you could do so much to get rid of that person but still choose to live with him which, in my opinion, really sounds like asking for trouble."

"You know I don't have the money." Yugyeom frowned in defence. Shouldn't Bambam know that by now?

"Then you go out and earn it." Bambam huffed.

"How?"

The other opened his mouth to answer but closed it as soon as he realized the question in hand and turned to blink at the ceiling instead, looking like he couldn't believe it even from Yugyeom to ask something as obvious as that.

"Does the term "get a job" ring any bells?" he spoke to the light blinding his eyes as if Yugyeom was suddenly invisible. _Here they go again_. "Normal people your age go to work. They date, have relationships -- sorry, _working_ relationships, an own apartment, maybe even some money to spend -- "

"Perhaps, does a normal person also have a house full of candles all kinds from lavender to cranberry?" Yugyeom snapped, lifting himself up to lean on his elbow and letting the corner of the blanket fall off his shoulder. It wasn't often he lashed out on Bambam but he was tired and the clock wasn't even noon yet. "The most expensive Gucci clothes, a kitten, ten boxes of hair dye in the bathroom cabinets and a lot of words in their vocabulary but none that would actually make any sense?" he spat. "Do they like to stick their noses in other people's business when they have their own, too, or do they not have their own so they have to find the fun elsewhere?"

" -- and they don't sleep in the same bed with their enemies." Bambam finished laudably, but it was with a bitter hue and a hurt look on his face. Without another word, he pushed the covers off him and sat up on the bed to dress up.

And there it was again, the guilt eating Yugyeom from inside in such a rapid speed it would've soon burned a hole in his stomach if he hadn't stopped himself from thinking. He couldn't _believe_ he'd let Bambam get under his skin like that.

"I'll get some breakfast." Bambam announced as he pulled the last sock on and made his way to the door. "Go home, Yugyeom."

 

\--

 

"I really don't have shit to say to him." Bambam stressed to Jackson and Mark that same evening. He'd claimed it was an emergency and the pair of them had showed up at his door half dead from running, Jackson with only one shoe on, only to get five boxes of pizza and a miserable Bambam thrown into their arms. "I'm a walking wikipedia, right? I always have an idea of something in mind but it just...I don't know how to handle him, okay? It's ridiculous."

Mark raised his head from the comic book and pressed his lips together into a straight line, lacking an answer while Bambam looked like he was seconds away from ripping all his hair off if one of them didn't catch his hands and stop him. "I'm an adult now, you'd think I'd know better."

"Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there." Jackson butted in and leaned forward to point a pizza greasy finger at him. Unnecessary, Bambam scoffed internally, since he already knew he was going to talk to him. "That line is for Yugyeom, and for Yugyeom only. That is not what you're gonna use on yourself."

Mark threw him a sympathetic look from the couch before closing the book and opening his own chest of wisdom. "Correct me if I'm wrong -- " Jackson dropped the finger and rolled his eyes at him, already knowing what Mark actually meant was _Look, I know I'm right but let me pretend not to in order to appear smart and not know-it-all._

Mark only glared at the man in front of him before continuing where he left off. "But this isn't platonic -- for you, I mean. And it's not about being best friends either. It's more than just that."

Bambam's body betrayed him the second Mark finished talking, breath painfully hitching in his throat. He had a facade harder than steel, _indestructible_ steel, if he may add, but did it really matter when that one deep voiced friend of his got the tools to break through it nevertheless?

A moment of silence filled the room before he finally dared to lift his head up from the floor. Mark, as sharp as ever and lips pursed in thought, locked eyes with him and without a word said, he knew he'd hit it. A nail straight in the head.

He never liked to brag, not out loud at least, but as the quiet and observant guy he saw everything, heard everything and sensed everything. So while Jackson still looked completely perplexed, Mark hid a smug, knowing smirk into a cushion beside him.

"It's the L-word you're looking for." he clarified after a moment to the just as lost Bambam.

"Like a loser?" Jackson asked with wide eyes.

Mark facepalmed himself with the comic before lowering it only enough for Jackson to see the irritated start of a smile rising at the corners of his mouth. "There will forever be a part of me that wonders how you ever passed high school with straight A's." he said.

Jackson threw him an offended scowl while Bambam really couldn't care less anymore.

 

\--

 

As much as Jinyoung was obsessed with silence, the shop was getting a little too quiet. He usually found himself throwing the rag on the counter after polishing it for the tenth time since he got bored and couldn't hold count with his fingers anymore.

"Such a waste of time." he muttered as he peeled open his second sandwich on a lunch break. Lunch break meaning the time between ten and half past in the evening when the store manager headed home for the night and he could take the day's first lungful of air.

"Keeping a store open for who?" Jinyoung scoffed with full cheeks. "Customers? Haven't heard of them."

It was useless, kind of, to mock the people who couldn't even hear what he was saying but at least he could keep his job that way. And it gave him just enough satisfaction to pull through the last insufferable hours before closing.

Jinyoung checked his watch again. He wouldn't be making it home in time, and he didn't know whether that was a good or a bad thing. Perhaps he should prolong his shifts until midnight more often? Perhaps like that they could sometimes even have a proper chat when he got back from work since Yugyeom had long ago decided to keep his difficult mode on during the daylight.

"You sell any cigarettes here?"

A low voice from the entrance startled Jinyoung, making him jump right up from his chair and ditch the rest of the sandwich. He turned around to face the man and wiped the crumbs off the corners of his mouth, hand already fumbling for something in his coat pocket as he approached him.

"We don't." he said once there but pulled out his own pack of smokes, something cheap from Jaebum, and extended his hand to the customer. Was it safe to say a customer? He didn't look like he was there to buy anything, Jinyoung could tell. "You can have some of mine, though."

A sweater pawed hand quickly reached out for one and tugged it out of the box. Jinyoung was about to offer fire but the guy beat him to it, pulling out his own lighter and carefully guiding the flame to the tip.

"Thanks." He mumbled with the smoke now in between his lips.

Jinyoung nodded, even tried to break a small smile as a sign that he'd heard him. The stranger smiled back as he took the cigarette between the two of his fingers and puffed the smoke out, almost choking Jinyoung with it, before walking properly into the lights of the store and looking around.

And now that Jinyoung could see his face better, he really didn't know what to think. Was he even of age to smoke? He looked younger than Yugyeom, if that was even possible. Hair spiked up and curled from where it was longer towards the back of his neck, cheeks tinted red from the night's cool breeze, clothes ragged and dripping wet after the very recent downpour, and the only thing that made him seem even a bit adult-like in Jinyoung's eyes was the tough leather jacket on top of a fuzzy purple sweater.

Before Jinyoung could yank the borrowed cigarette back to ask for some ID, the man was again a step ahead of him, slamming his driver's license on the counter with a tired expression like he'd expected the given reaction.

"Do you always judge people by their looks?" he asked as he looked up, brow quirked in question.

Jinyoung bit his lip. "Sorry." he pushed out a meaningless apology while gesturing at the man in front of him. "It's just... it's the face."

The man chuckled drily and ran a hand through messy hair, fingers getting slightly tangled in the knots which really shouldn't have been that funny to Jinyoung but he laughed anyway. Blame it on the sleep deprivation.

He expected to get some sort of an awkward laugh back but instead, the man's mouth dropped open in realization, fingers stilling mid-stroke in his hair. "Is that why people stare down at me when I light one at a bus stop?" he asked. Jinyoung almost snickered at how genuine his worry sounded. A complete 180 from his earlier behavior which would've only increased Jinyoung's suspicions had he not proven his age already. "I swear I always get the dirtiest looks when I pass by. They actually think I'm a minor?"

"They just don't want to expose themselves to passive smoking." Jinyoung tried to soothe him with a compassionate pat on his shoulder. Whether what he churned out was true or not, he didn't care. The man _did_ look underage.

"Are you sure?" There was a look of disbelief etched on his face and Jinyoung sighed.

"Hundred and one percent." he said. "Need some help getting that mess sorted?" He pointed at the man's head where even a few leaves had got stuck on strands of hair.

"You're not gonna -- "

"Ask?" Jinyoung finished for him, fingers already threading themselves through jet black locks, the tips of them parting the hair back in place. "Get on your case about how you're miles away from town without a car?" A knowing smirk tugged at the corners of his lips. "I bet you don't even know where you are at the moment."

"I don't." he admitted. "My car broke down in the middle of the highway. Been clueless ever since." He caught Jinyoung's wrist to pull the hand off his hair for a moment as his own disappeared into a coat pocket to dig out his phone. "And this fucker decided to black out the second I needed it the most."

"Typical." Jinyoung snorted while the man just rolled his eyes in agony and slipped the phone back in. The shiny plastic case of the driver's licence on the front desk caught Jinyoung's attention again and he leaned over to read the small print next to the picture.

"Choi Youngjae?" he lifted his head enough to get confirmation from the man himself, as if the piece of ID wasn't enough.

"Something wrong with my name?"

"Choi Youngjae." Jinyoung repeated slower, tasting the name in his mouth and rolling it on his tongue. Eyes squinting, he pointed a finger at him. "I'll remember that when I need it. You owe me a smoke."

Youngjae scoffed. "And here I was thinking you were actually being generous."

"I _am_ being generous." Jinyoung deadpanned. "Isn't it only natural to expect something in return?"

"Okay." Youngjae huffed after a while and tossed the stub in the ashtray. "Okay, here's a deal. You'll give me a ride back to my car and call for a tow truck. I'll buy you two packs and pay for the gas."

The same sweater covered hand was extended towards him, the sleeve way too wide and drooping low from his wrist. As tempting as the trade was, an image of Yugyeom popped into his mind as if out of spite and refused to leave. He'd promised to arrive before midnight, before Yugyeom would get totally bored alone and fall into the state of questioning his whole existence again.

But Yugyeom wasn't there. A man offering him two packs of cigarettes was.

It didn't take long for Jinyoung to break his promises and grab the stranger's hand instead, sealing the deal.

 

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have time, let me know what you think so far! Any thoughts? Questions? I'm open for anything!


	4. Trying the tactic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally a teeny tiny bit of jjp + angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone's confused, "--" usually means there's a time jump in the story, i.e. to the next morning, later in the day or so. I've noticed myself getting a bit tangled up with them so I'm putting it here just to clear it up!

It was past one in the morning when Jinyoung finally threw his jacket on the floor and strode into the kitchen for a refreshing drink of water.

The towing had taken more time than expected, and he'd found Youngjae was more of a talker than he'd first thought he'd be. Conversation after conversation, they had sat in a small room waiting for the mechanic to give hints about what was wrong with Youngjae's car, though Jinyoung had been pretty sure he already knew it by the way the vehicle looked like ; an old rattletrap that would've quit its job at some point anyway. If not that night, the next one at the latest.

_"Ever thought about buying a new car?" Jinyoung had tried, arms crossed over his chest as he yawned for the fifth time during a minute._

_Youngjae had looked almost offended that Jinyoung would even suggest something like that, brows scrunched up and mouth agape. "It has sentimental value to me!" he'd exclaimed._

_So Jinyoung had just let it go and leaned defeatedly back on his creaky plastic seat._

 

"Yugyeom?" he called around the apartment, checking the bathroom and even the bed where he found nothing but a remote and the remains of a bag of chips. Cursing Yugyeom under his breath, Jinyoung grabbed the corner of the sheet and tugged it off the bed, shaking the crumbs off before setting it back down but not bothering to adjust it any better.

So Yugyeom was gone, which was nothing unusual, but for some reason Jinyoung's heart flipped still. Knowing the impulsive spirit of his roommate, he knew Yugyeom could do anything he put his mind to, anything from climbing a cell tower to breaking into a smoothie bar and stealing a blender. Jinyoung knew because things happened, and it was often he'd had to bail Yugyeom out of jail for implementing an idea only his brains were skilled enough to produce.

So he wasn't that surprised when the front door was loudly slammed against the wall in the middle of his spoonful of soup, and he wasn't surprised that in walked an intoxicated Yugyeom with a pair of people on his tail.

"Just returning a lost kid from their trip." the shorter said and urged Yugyeom to step in so that he could close the door behind them. With quick reflexes, Jinyoung let the spoon clink on the edge of the bowl and surged forward as he saw Yugyeom tip over, catching him by the armpits at the last second before he could stumble and end up face first on the floor.

Huffing, he dumped Yugyeom on the bed and threw a pillow at his head, successfully squeezing an annoyed whine out of him that he felt more proud of than he'd willingly admit.

"Since apparently you're the babysitter here, shouldn't you be keeping a better eye on him?"

Jinyoung turned back to match a face to the unpleasant voice, coming to face two of Yugyeom's friends, he assumed. The one who had spoken had his head tilted and was currently staring a whole in his skull as he demanded an answer, and Jinyoung felt some sort of immediate urge to piss in his shoes.

"Since you were the one seemingly in his company tonight, shouldn't  _you_  have been keeping a better eye on him?" he snarled.

Sensing the building tension, the other man with round specs and dark hair stepped in and spread his arms between the both of them. "We fetched him from the police station." he said, as stoic as calm before storm as he motioned at Yugyeom on the bed. He then looked back at Jinyoung. "Again."

"Well, no shit." the taller commented. "You called the cops on him in the first place."

"He wouldn't have stopped screaming on the streets if I hadn't. You know that, Bam."

"You called the cops on me?" Yugyeom raised his head enough to lean his chin on the mattress.

Jinyoung rubbed at his eyes while fighting against a yawn. "It's not their fault you're making noise at ungodly hours when every normal person would already be asleep."

An immediate protest left Yugyeom. "Are you saying I'm abnormal?"

"No." Jinyoung said. "I'm saying you're an exception among the normal people."

"If normal people are asleep then what does that make you?"

"We'll be leaving now." the specs-guy butted in, dragging the taller with him by his arm despite the loud objections. Yugyeom's keys and phone were dropped on the drawer. "Tell Yugyeom he can come pick up his jacket from Bambam's when he wakes up."

With that, the door slammed shut again in front of Jinyoung's nose, complete silence falling over the small apartment. Surprising, since it had never actually happened before.

Yugyeom was fast asleep and snoring quietly on his stomach, sprawled across the bed like a starfish so that it was impossible for Jinyoung to try and squeeze somewhere next to him. His soup had probably gone cold already, not that he was even hungry anymore, and his head was aching in a way that made his vision blurry.

He huffed as he rubbed his temples, hand wandering through their bathroom cabinets in search for some painkillers. With tired eyes, he spared a last glance at Yugyeom before curling up in the armchair with a book and a blanket.

"Guess we won't be talking tonight."

 

\--

 

"Are you angry because your big ego got a punch from him momentarily replacing you or because you still, you know, feel something for him?"

"I -- What?" Jinyoung pushed his chair back, already teetering on the edge of his limits as Jaebum rushed to stand up, reaching over the table to grab Jinyoung back by his sleeve before he could decide to give up the talk. 

The rare times when him and Jaebum were working at the same time were usually full of Jinyoung complaining and Jaebum sharing unwanted life advise and positive quotes that one would find slapped on a glittery sweatshirt. Had it not been for their fifteen years of friendship since middle school, Jinyoung would've already told him to fuck off ages ago.

But,  _Sometimes it's better to keep people close in life instead of always pushing them away_ , Jaebum had once said and strangely, Jinyoung had agreed.

"Let me rephrase -- " Jaebum tried. "Is it because you're insecure about yourself or because he still has you wrapped around all of his ten fingers?"

"Why are you doing this?" Jinyoung sighed.

"Training for my psychology studies?" Jaebum shrugged. "To help a friend out? To prove I'm not completely useless as a co-worker?"

"I think I'd go to a real therapist if I needed one." 

"I'm just sparing your money." Jaebum insisted. "And your time. I know you couldn't handle the two plus hours of interrogation every week because you're a coward."

"I -- "

"So go on." Jaebum offered him a strained smile. His hands made a gesture for Jinyoung to drag the chair back to him. "Rant. Why are you so pressed over Yugyeom forgetting a  _piece of clothing_ somewhere?"

"It's not about the jacket. It's the guy that stares at me like he's been planning my murder ever since he came out of womb and smells like cat piss." Jinyoung scoffed. "He's probably just using him."

"And you aren't?" Jaebum raised a brow in turn.

"Of course not." Jinyoung pulled his lips in, playing with the loose thread on his jeans since facing Jaebum was something he absolutely couldn't do, not even if someone had paid him for it. Jaebum had his own opinions, but to Jinyoung they were more like a bunch of truths striked in his face one after another whenever Jaebum opened his mouth to speak.

So Jinyoung would always rather act like what Jaebum said meant less than shit to him, would play uninterested and avoid his eyes because he knew that if he ever looked at him, Jaebum would read him like an open book and finish before Jinyoung could get a single word out of his mouth.

"Why can't you just talk to him?" Jaebum sighed. "Why is it so hard to just go 'hey, I think we need to stop this back and forth bullshit and have a proper chat for once'? You afraid he's gonna hit you or something?"

"He wouldn't beat me even in his dreams." Jinyoung grumbled from his seat, increasing the size of the hole in his jeans the more he picked at the threads but it didn't matter. He'd buy new pants soon anyway.

"See, this is the thing you need to get rid of. This...power game or whatever it is that you two are playing." Jaebum claimed. "Because I'll have you know, Jinyoung, you both are losing."

"Can you please talk without using these big metaphors? I'm actually a regular person with regular IQ unlike you." Jinyoung huffed.

Truth is, he could understand Jaebum just well, but it wasn't something his friend had to necessarily know about. There were a lot of things Jinyoung didn't want to admit to himself, not even when they were so obvious it hurt.

To some extent, Jinyoung knew that Jaebum was aware of it, too. He knew when to push him and when to stop if it got too much, and as embarrassing as it was to remember the times he'd curled up beside his best friend and cried about whatever it was that was stressing him out at the moment, he felt glad that Jaebum had never exposed him.

Less material for Yugyeom to blackmail him with. That was always a plus.

"I think you get what I mean." Jaebum leaned forward on his chair and reached across the table to compassionately pat Jinyoung's arm. "Let me do your shift today. I'll make sure you'll get paid the same."

"I can't -- "

"Or do you want everyone to know about the time you thought it was cool to have bangs that looked like a rag rug?" Jaebum waved his phone in the air.

"You wouldn't -- "

"Oh, I would." Jaebum interfered, feigning innocence at Jinyoung who flipped him off and reluctantly stood up from his place.

"It's for your best!" Jaebum yelled after him but Jinyoung pretended he didn't hear it.

It was always easier to pretend.

 

\--

 

The feeling was way too familiar when Jinyoung turned the key in the lock after Jaebum had told him to sort things out with Yugyeom. It was like he was hit with a deja vu every time he arrived home ; he'd step in, kick his shoes off, unload the groceries while trying to find Yugyeom and after a thorough search around the house and a few calls, he'd discover that he wasn't even present.

Except for today.

Jinyoung was fast to walk straight from the hallway to the fridge like usual and bend down, loading the top shelf with all kinds of yogurts and cold beverages, setting his next week's sandwiches in a neat row in the middle and haphazardly throwing the vegetables somewhere where there was an empty space left.

He didn't notice the hand that was creeping up from his side or the warmth of another person's presence on his back before one of his snacks was stolen, ruining the perfect line of his carefully arranged lunch sandwiches.

He snatched the wrist of the intruder and twisted it, making Yugyeom yelp out loud and drop the bread on the floor from where Jinyoung picked it up and put it back where it belonged.

"It's five dollars a sandwich." Jinyoung said, loosening his grip on Yugyeom's wrist and letting him pull it away, the other shaking it in the air to get the blood circulating again.

"Can you not once give me something for free?"

"No." Jinyoung growled.

He straightened his back to put the last of his items in the freezer, some frozen berries and ice cream, before turning around to fold the shopping bag back on its place. And somehow, he should've already expected it, the hard chest of his roommate bumping on his as he hovered now just a bit over Jinyoung's head, enough that he had to cast his eyes up to meet Yugyeom's as he backed him up against the fridge, the door slamming shut behind him.

"And why is that?" Yugyeom hummed, knowing full well the answer but teasing Jinyoung just for the sake of it, just to see him get provoked when he tested him. A thigh was nudged between Jinyoung's legs to keep him in place and he quivered, knees buckling and almost giving up under the sudden pressure.

"Because it's my lunch that I bought with my own money." Jinyoung swallowed with difficulty, eyes cold as ice as he stared back at Yugyeom, challenging him to yet another battle he didn't even know he had started. "And you don't even like chicken."

Yugyeom shifted on his feet a little, scanning him from head to toe as if he'd never seen Jinyoung as a whole before. With calculated movements, he slid his hands on his shoulders, fingertips coming to rest on the base of Jinyoung's neck just above the collar of his sweater.

"Speaking of lunch..." he mumbled, leaning in to touch his lips against Jinyoung's neck, leaving light kisses behind as he travelled up the side of it and came to a halt by his ear. "I haven't had mine yet."

A shiver made its way through Jinyoung's whole body, the chills reaching even the tips of his fingers, his toes that curled against the floor as the warm breath continued to tickle down the other side of his neck. This time, the light kisses turned into teasing nips of teeth on his skin, the sparks spreading over his body like fire and settling as slowly burning embers low in his stomach.

"We need to talk." Jinyoung tried, but an accidental moan slipping past his lips as Yugyeom bit further down on his sensitive neck took him out, the control no longer in his hands but someone else's.

"But don't actions always speak louder than words?" Arms looped around his waist as warm palms wandered under the back of his shirt, taking their time trailing up and down his spine until they were resting at the swell of his ass, grabbing a handful of each buttock and tugging Jinyoung forward, causing him to jolt and whimper as his crotch came in contact with Yugyeom's. "Right,  _Jinyoungie_?"

Jinyoung stayed adamant despite being insufferably turned on, dick twitching with each hot puff of breath he felt against his skin. "Don't call me that."

"Don't call you what?  _Jinyoungie_?" Yugyeom asked, as innocent and annoying as ever before nearly purring in his ear, "Jinyoungie, Jinyoungie, Jinyoungie -- "

"Fuck off." Jinyoung breathed out, hips accidentally grounding down on the thigh stilled in between his, the pressure so sweet yet so painful through the layers of clothing. Yugyeom knew exactly what to do to make him beg as much as he knew how to irritate him, but Jinyoung wouldn't give in to his attempts of making him look like a fool anymore. He would  _not_ give in now.

So, "Did you get your jacket back?" he asked, trying to be subtle but still failing at it miserably as Yugyeom paused and detached himself from him, bit his lip in thought as he narrowed his eyes at Jinyoung.

He didn't get an answer.

Instead, all the while holding the eye contact, Yugyeom slipped a firm hand under the waistband of Jinyoung's loose jeans and squeezed, nails digging into his flesh in a way he knew would leave crescent dents on his skin. Jinyoung moaned during a shaky exhale, hands coming up to grab Yugyeom by his arms as if he could that way resist the temptations.

What he'd grown to be aware of during the years of analyzing Yugyeom and the few torturing months of living with him, was that he was unpredictable in every way one could name. Jinyoung never let his walls crumble before he was sure Yugyeom wouldn't leave him with blue balls, before he knew that he wouldn't only get teased with feathery brushes but get touched as well. Before that, he'd always keep his shell tough, completely Yugyeom-proof until the point when Yugyeom would tip over, too, and give up his irritating attitude, and it wouldn't be just Jinyoung feeling the aching in his jeans.

Yugyeom reached for the light switch to minimize their vision, a habit which they'd absorbed since the time they'd first kissed ; it was the second night after Yugyeom had been kicked out of his first rental flat and had appeared at Jinyoung's door with a dull look and a couple of full suitcases in hand. Jinyoung had let him step in, but as a poor comforter, knew no better than to pat his back and try to make him forget.

Because that's what he always did himself when things started to snowball out of his control, towards a worse direction that he knew wouldn't end well. Emptying his mind was what had saved him every time the line of his thoughts got too long and complicated, too thick to cut or think through.

So with that experience in mind, he'd met Yugyeom's tired eyes and locked gazes, following the curve of his cheek all the way to the corner of his plump, chapped lips where he'd pressed the first kiss, hesitantly seeking permission for further action.

Yugyeom had curled his fingers tighter around the handles of his bags as he crashed against the front door, distancing himself from Jinyoung just long enough for him to get rid of his heavy luggage and jacket before lunging back at him, kisses all tongue and teeth, hands grabbing at Jinyoung's sides and settling somewhere in the middle where his earlier tugged in shirt had now bunched around his narrow waist.

The room went dark with a click and Jinyoung startled, memories quickly dissolving into the pitch black as Yugyeom brought him back to reality by cupping his face and teasingly leaning in to bite Jinyoung's bottom lip. The only thing he was capable of differentiating before his eyes could get used to the darkness was the everlasting playful glint in Yugyeom's eyes as he looked up, causing Jinyoung to let out a shaky breath. He reached for one of Yugyeom's hands, catching it and covering it with his own, fingers entwining together from the back.

Was this him giving up? Was this what Yugyeom wanted, for him to get all soft and mushy so he could find his weak spot and attack again? He couldn't even remember the last time him and Yugyeom weren't already strangling each other at this point and his suspicions only grew with the way Yugyeom slightly tilted his head to get better access to his lips, so he could make Jinyoung melt with his skilled moves and torment him about it the next day.

And suddenly the lights were back on, the yellow-ish bulb illuminating the kitchen again, and Jinyoung sighed in relief as if he'd just discovered the shadow in the corner of his room wasn't a monster but a mound of harmless laundry.

Straightening up, Yugyeom eyed Jinyoung's motionless hand on the switch and watched him with growing impatience, going to flick the lights off for the second time but halting when a hand on his arm begged him to stop.

"What now?" Yugyeom whined in frustration all the while Jinyoung fought with his mind, the angel and the devil both sitting on each side of his shoulders giving him such mixed instructions to the point where Jinyoung even started to ponder whether they'd decided to join hands and go up against him together.

Jinyoung guided Yugyeom's arm down, squeezing his wrist as to make sure he wouldn't be touching the lights again. And somehow, Yugyeom took the hint.

"Could we try?" Jinyoung then fidgeted in his place, mouth dry and hands sweating. The point of going home early wasn't to bed Yugyeom once again but the other had him cornered already, and the feeling conquering Jinyoung's guts was nothing but pure desire. He'd explain this to Jaebum later when he'd ask.

"With the lights on?" he pushed the thought about his best friend away as he continued. "Could we try?"

Yugyeom had just enough time to open his mouth when Jinyoung started babbling again, "Just because it's bright, you know? I've never actually seen you when we -- "

"Why?"

"Because we've never -- "

"We've never, so why now?" Yugyeom was unusually stern when he interfered. The hands were no longer on Jinyoung's face, which was fine, he thought. Completely fine. But when Yugyeom moved away from him to throw himself into the armchair instead with an unreadable expression framing his face, the moment was broken and Jinyoung didn't know what to make of it anymore.

"Don't you feel like trying something different sometimes?" he tried. "Something new?"

"Does it matter?" Yugyeom huffed as he rubbed his face. "We never talk about these things anyway."

"We  _should_  talk about these things." Jinyoung said, still leaning on the fridge in the same spot Yugyeom left him in. "If we continue doing this, should we at least discuss the rules?"

"What _rules_ , Jinyoung?" Yugyeom frowned. "There's no rules, that's the whole point of it. What makes this work -- " he gestured between Jinyoung and himself, "is the fact that we don't have them. We don't  _need_  rules because we make our own. We do what we want."

"So every time I come around you want to fuck in the dark and maybe get drunk after just so you could call me an asshole in the morning when you've missed a meeting I didn't even know you had?" Jinyoung snapped. "You live under my roof. For that to continue, we need to talk because we're only going to ruin each other if we don't."

Yugyeom rolled his eyes, took in a deep breath. "We aren't ruining each other." 

"Or then you're just too blind to see that." Jinyoung argued.

It didn't even take a second for Yugyeom to leap up from the chair. "Are you really this pissed off because I wanted to turn off the fucking lights?"

"No." Jinyoung grumbled. "I'm pissed off because we can't talk like normal people should.  _You_  can't talk like normal people should."

"Define me normal then." Yugyeom challenged. "Because we're talking now, aren't we?"

Jinyoung only shook his head, disappointed, almost furious at the fact that he just couldn't hold a proper conversation with Yugyeom no matter how hard he tried, no matter how much effort he put in it, and that somehow Yugyeom was dead set on lying to himself about the mess they were in.

Jaebum had made it sound so easy. They'd talk, they'd make up and start over. No arguments, no guilt tripping, no fighting. That's how he made it sound like. Sweet and effortless.

But Jinyoung should've known better, that there just wasn't winning with Yugyeom. 

Only false starts and lost games.

 

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An important note: I love Jaebum


	5. Emitting venom, admitting affection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some interesting happenings about to go down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi! I'm back with chapter 5 and an apology for the long wait. Writer's block hit me at the worst time possible so it's been a struggle to get something done. I'm not completely satisfied with this but it's what I have. So enjoy!
> 
> \+ Thank you so much for the comments and kudos! They're making my day <33
> 
> -C

There was cat food.

Okay, there were loads of cat food and a stack of brand new scented candles tied together into a neat package that dangled from Yugyeom's fingers as he waited.

The porch he was standing on was more familiar to him than his own house, and every shaky intake of breath caused him to lean more towards the decision of cowardly running away and giving Bambam the silent treatment for the next couple of weeks until they'd go back to normal again.

Because let's face it, apologies had never really been his cup of tea, or iced coffee either for that matter. He'd go to hell first before showing any remorse to anyone yet there he was, ready to burn in the flames and possibly humiliate himself in front of Bambam's friends, too, and for some reason it didn't irk his stomach as much as his mind had told him it would.

"Candles?" Bambam looked unimpressed when he opened the door and Yugyeom shoved the package in his hands, swaying on his toes while the other skeptically eyed the tag in the plastic wrap. "You're giving me candles and," his eyes fell on the cat's face on the side of the bag. "Food?"

"Five _scented_ candles." Yugyeom corrected as he pointed at the title. Bambam looked up at him through his unstyled bangs, brow raised up. "One for each room. You said you needed some addition to your collection." Yugyeom clarified, Bambam nodding vaguely. "The food's for Cupcake."

"Okay." Bambam stayed distant as he spoke. "Okay, wait here." When he disappeared from the door, Yugyeom almost proceeded to take a step in, too, but the man was quickly back from the little tour to the living room with a green bomber jacket that he kept at arm's lenght from him, offering it to Yugyeom. "Let's trade."

"Please." Yugyeom visibly winced as Bambam then pushed him backwards just enough to close the door in front of his nose. He stayed right behind it, ear planted on the wooden surface, Yugyeom knew he did. That had always been one of Bambam's petty ways of getting what he wanted, and right then Yugyeom was sure he wouldn't be getting inside before he was kneeling on the pavement and giving him an hour long apology speech with some sad violin playing from his phone in the background.

"Bam?" he knocked on the door. "Please don't make me say it."

"I'm not making you do anything." the muffled voice answered. "You do your own choices."

"It's not my choice if youre affecting it!" Yugyeom whined.

"Do you want to make up or break up?" Bambam didn't give up. "Make up and you'll get a free pass in, a cat on your lap and some left over kebab." Yugyeom's mouth watered at the option since he'd probably never eaten anything else but the eternal ramen Jinyoung bought him that was already starting to gush out of his ears. "Break up and I'll charge you the whole bill it took me and Mark to bail you out of jail, _and_ I'll order a fat letter of glitter to your address."

Yugyeom's jaw dropped open. "Not fair!" he protested.

"What, me paying your fines? I abso- _fucking_ -lutely agree."

"Spending time with you already leaves me glittered with all that contagious body bling bling you wear. Nothing new there." Yugyeom tried.

"But what would Jinyoung say?" Bambam sneered.

"Jinyoung would -- " Yugyeom paused as he thought, suddenly uneasy about mentioning his name and remembering the previous night. "We're not asking Jinyoung! This is between you and me."

"Oh, for once you don't need him to act as a half of your brain?" The spite was prominent in Bambam's voice and Yugyeom rolled his eyes almost permanently to the back of his head, wishing Bambam would see how uninterested he was on the other side of the door.

"Are we literally about to have another fight where we can't even try to murder eachother?" he complained. "There are some visual barriers, too. I can't even stab you with a stare."

"Oh, I can see you just fine through the peephole." Bambam announced smugly. "So who do you reckon's gonna win this one?"

"In your dreams." huffed Yugyeom. A second later he was childishly poking a branch through the letter box and hitting Bambam on the knee, causing the other to forcibly tug the whole stick forward with Yugyeom still attached to the other end of it and pinching the tips of his fingers that fit through the small hole in the door.

A loud yelp from outside woke up the cat fast asleep on the living room carpet, ears perking up as the high-pitched screech reached her hearing range. Offended by the two dumbasses waking her up, she rose on her toes to stretch her back before nobly padding into the kitchen to continue her beauty sleep while Bambam put on note to treat her something special that evening.

"You disturbed the queen, now are you proud of yourself?"

"You bit me -- !"

"Pinched!" Bambam corrected him. "I have no idea where your fingers have been. Do you think I'd be risking my life like that?"

"Last time I remember, they were in your -- "

A loud bang on the door made him pause for a second.

"Then again," Yugyeom pretended to ponder. "That is, indeed, pretty life threatening."

"Gyeom -- "

"Did you write that experience up too? In your calendar? Fucked on August 6th -- "

The door slammed back open and Yugyeom was pulled in by a rough hand on his sleeve, the force stretching and almost making a hole in his brand new sweater. An immediate complaint was about to bubble out of his mouth but the mix of complete mortification and rage etched on Bambam's pale face when he finally looked up was enough for him to shut up. Just in case Bambam would throw him into the fire pit beside them if he dared to mutter a word. It wouldn't be the first time.

"We have to talk about that." Bambam swallowed, licking his dry lips and shushing Yugyeom the second he tried to open his mouth to disagree. "The coffee date. It didn't exactly leave a good taste in my mouth."

"Well, I'm not surprised after that bitter shit you drank -- "

"Please." Bambam interrupted, now shaky hands rubbing his temples as he huffed. "Can you please not make this a joke again? Can you at least try to act like an adult for my peace of mind?"

With a clenched jaw and swallowed pride, Yugyeom reluctantly nodded in agreement and crouched down to unzip his shoes before letting Bambam guide them further into the apartment. Though when walking past the kitchen, Yugyeom had to pause in his steps, the atmosphere suddenly not quite fitting to the rest of the house.

Bambam was quick to tug him away from the doorway, insisting on going to his bedroom and talk, but Yugyeom yanked himself off the grip before it could tighten and took a stride straight into the kitchen. The same kitchen that once felt comfy, where they'd failed so many cookings and almost caused a permanent water damage in, was now oddly empty without any eye-catching decorations Bambam had once filled the room with.

The ornaments were gone, every cup and candle swept off the tables and thrown into a cardboard box on the floor labelled "trash". Every handmade clay vase and the detailed, formless glass statues from the showcase in pieces on the bottom of the sink along with Yugyeom's favorite mug he always drank his coffee out of when visiting Bambam. Three fourth of the room had been painted plain white, the last wall a boring gray that, in Yugyeom's opinion, wasn't typical Bambam at all and he furrowed his brows as he made his way to the sink and picked up a piece of the porcelain mug he couldn't use anymore.

"What's all this about?" The question seemed to hang in the air forever, the tension thickening as Bambam swallowed behind him and grabbed his arm again to try and get him away from investigating.

And with that tiny bit of skin contact through his sweater, Yugyeom could tell Bambam's hands were covered in cold sweat, fingers shaking. If he wasn't holding so tight on his bicep like his life depended on it, the shiver would've probably prevailed the rest of his body, too.

"You weren't supposed to see this." Bambam gulped, sounding completely out of any makeshift white lies he could cover up the mess with. "You weren't even supposed to come here today, I -- I just got a bit frustrated."

Yugyeom's frown deepened the more Bambam stuttered. It wasn't like him to quiet down. It wasn't often Yugyeom had to really focus his ears if he wanted to hear what the other had to say, and although he would never admit it, a hint of worry started to gnaw at the very pit of his stomach.

He knew he could easily appear insensitive, act egoistic and be a full pain in the ass in more ways than one, but he couldn't bear to watch his best friend crumble so openly before him, a side he'd never witnessed before and what he never thought Bambam would expose to him. Especially without a reason.

And he did want to know the exact reason.

Dropping the piece of porcelain back into the sink and letting it clash with the heap of shards, Yugyeom leaned one hand on the counter. "Yeah?" he chuckled dryly, pure sarcasm dripping from his voice. "Cause every time I get a bit frustrated, I exterminate my whole kitchen, too."

Bambam didn't argue, instead sucked in a quick breath -- a sob? It was something Yugyeom couldn't differentiate before Bambam was already turning his back on him and slumping down on the kitchen chair, hands folding together upon the empty dinner table. Yugyeom took it as a cue to drop himself across him.

"Let's talk then." he said to no one in particular, not wanting to meet Bambam's eyes just to get kicked in the feelings again. He hoped the other would understand and take the initiative. "You wanted to talk."

"You didn't." Bambam said as he continued to stare at his entwined fingers, fiddled with his thumbs, wrinkled the corner of the newspaper on the table, nails occassionally tapping on the wooden surface. "You didn't and you never have. Isn't that how our friendship has always been? We don't talk."

Getting defensive, Yugyeom leaned forward in his chair, two of the legs hovering in the air as he crossed his arms on the table. Who was Bambam alone to determine what their relationship was like? "And what's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you don't care." Bambam snapped, voice strained. "You don't care and I shouldn't be upset about it because I know you, but my brains just aren't being very co-operative at the moment."

"You know me?" Yugyeom's tone turned bitter, voice raising. "You think you can say you know me?"

"We've been together since first grade, of course I know you." Bambam scoffed.

"People change."

"Some do. You don't." Before Yugyeom could try to but in, Bambam continued. "I'm not saying it's wrong or that you need to, but -- " voice cracking, he brought a hand up to hide his face while taking in a long breath to compose himself again. "I'm just so fucking tired."

"Of me?"

A minute of silence settled into the room before Bambam broke it with a miserable sigh. "I feel like I'm supposed to say no." he sniffled. "But I really don't want to and I'd only be lying to you."

The immediate attack in the heart shook Yugyeom to the core. Even through the tough exterior he'd once put on, a piece of something toxic found a way to dig into him and break a bit of the wall in the deep hollows of his heart where every bottled up emotion was strictly harboured from reality.

It hurt, and this time Yugyeom had a hard time keeping all those feelings in, the capacity of that little space inside him suddenly way too small and beginning to overflow.

"You say you don't want to lie." Yugyeom leaned back on his chair, the legs screeching across the tiles on the floor. "Yet there's something you're not telling me. For months, there's been something you've kept from me." The same toxic splinter was choking his throat up now, causing him to almost stumble in his words. "Your house is a mess, you hate my friends, you judge my lifestyle, judge Jinyoung and his good intentions -- "

"Just listen to yourself!" Pain burned in Bambam's gaze as he looked up at Yugyeom, eyes already bloodshot and puffy, fresh tears glistening on his cheekbones. "Listen to yourself, the way you talk about him. Just listen to it!" he demanded, shakily adding under his breath. "All that yet you still claim you hate him."

"I -- "

"You're so fucking oblivious." Bambam shook his head. Yugyeom clamped his mouth shut, not sure whether his expression showed pity, disappointment or even a bit of amusement, but the start of a sour smile rising on Bambam's face told him it was most likely all three. "I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you can fool yourself like this. Somehow you manage it."

The chair creaked again, louder, as Yugyeom stood up and slammed a hand on the table, unshed tears glistening in the corners of his eyes, too. "Then tell me!" he screamed, Bambam startling in his seat. "Tell me what I don't know! Because obviously you do!"

"Please don't yell." Bambam whispered, swallowing tears. "Please don't... don't raise your voice. It's -- I can't handle that right now, okay?"

Though reluctant, the hand slipped off the table and Yugyeom inhaled deep, nodding before slowly lowering himself back on the chair, head dropping between his shoulders. "I have no idea what's happening." The confession was painful to get out but he didn't care. Shouting at Bambam for the second time already made him feel like pure shit so fuck that. Fuck that and everything else, he thought, not even caring to wipe the leaking tears off his cheeks anymore.

"I have no idea what you're talking about and I'm trying to understand. I'm trying but I'm only driving myself deeper into some fucking maze I don't get and can't get out of."

"I'm -- " An accidental sob left Bambam before he could stop himself. "I'm trying, too. With you." At that, Yugyeom raised his head just enough to peek at him. "I'm strong willed, right? I'm strong willed and I can try to turn your head around and talk you out of things your stupid ass does. I can convince you to spend time with me and be stubborn when you leave, but how does one's determination get you to love them back?"

Before Yugyeom could answer, before he could even fathom the fact that Bambam had just blurted out something actually meaningful to him, the man had stood up and exited the table with a wet sweater pawed hand in front of his eyes. The bathroom lock clicked shut only a second later, Yugyeom well aware of the wheezing and heavy breathing echoing in the apartment, even the tired body collapsing against the tub, but he remained on his seat regardless, numb and frozen.

 

  
\----

 

  
Jinyoung lit up his second smoke and leaned on his elbows in the backseat of Youngjae's car. The repair happened overnight and when Youngjae called up Jinyoung to ask him to come for a ride, who was he to decline the offer. It's not like he had something better to do, and slurping cheap beer under the shadows of the huge oak trees aside the road sounded good enough reason to leave the house, if only to clear his head.

"You know what I finally got?" Youngjae landed beside him with a grin so wide it would put joker in shame. Jinyoung watched him rummage through his pockets and dig out a small, familiar carton box that he brought up to proudly wave in the air. "My own package."

"Did they even believe your ID?" Jinyoung snorted in his can of beer.

"Watch it, old man." Youngjae warned him with a scowl.

Jinyoung was about to follow with a snarky comment but before he could make up his mind on what to say, his phone turned blue on his lap as a sign of a call, Jinyoung sighing as Yugyeom's name popped on the screen. He would so not take his bullshit in the midst of a perfectly good day.

_"Jinyoung?"_

"Did they throw you in jail again?" Jinyoung tiredly asked before Yugyeom could get any further, getting a pair questioning eyes from Youngjae eavesdropping next to him.

_"No, listen -- "_

"Are you drunk calling me?"

_"Not that either."_

"So this is a booty call?" Youngjae's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets before he silently got up and signalled Jinyoung he'd be stepping out of the car for a moment to give him some privacy. Jinyoung answered with a wave of a hand and a tight, apologetic smile before returning to the phone.

 _"This is an emergency call."_ Yugyeom hissed from the other end of the line.

"Why not call an ambulance?" Jinyoung dared to joke.

 _"It's a different kind of... thing."_ The stammering caught Jinyoung off guard since Yugyeom had never turned down a good moment to roast him over his bad sense of humor before. But now he did, and Jinyoung didn't like it. Not one bit.

"Can't you ask your friends?"

 _"Not when it's specifically about a friend."_ It sounded like Yugyeom was having a trouble trying to form a sentence so Jinyoung decided to go more gentle on him. _"Please."_

Or as gentle as he could after hearing a word so rare come out of Yugyeom's big mouth.

"Wow, Kim Yugyeom begging? Me? Thought I'd never see this fine day."

 _"You know what, forget it. I'll go home and just... do something, I guess."_ Yugyeom sighed.

Jinyoung was about to end the call until he caught on and hurried to splutter. "Wait, you're not home?"

 _"No, mom."_ Jinyoung could practically hear the sarcasm and Yugyeom rolling his eyes. _"I came for my jacket and now I'm in trouble."_

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me at all." Jinyoung scoffed.

 _"You have to come pick me up."_ Yugyeom pleaded. _"Before he comes out of the bathroom, please. I'll buy you food."_

"Could be difficult without any income." Jinyoung reminded him but eventually sighed. "Fine. Me and Youngjae are on our way. Text me the address and don't get murdered."

Yugyeom muttered something about murder probably being the best solution at this point but Jinyoung pretended he didn't hear it as it was weird even for Yugyeom to sink that deep in despair. So he beckoned at Youngjae to come back and start the car again, praying the engine would last the extra kilometres as they headed back to the highway.

"So," Youngjae started the conversation Jinyoung wanted to avoid forever after shifting the gear. "What's the deal with you and that guy?"

"We don't have a deal." He kept his answer short and simple. Not much lying there either since he himself had no idea what their deal actually was.

"So you're telling me we left in a hurry and stubbed out our cigarettes mid-smoke because of an aquintance?" Youngjae eyed him in suspicion.

Jinyoung gulped, picking at the loose thread on his jeans again. "Yeah, kind of."

"Okay." Youngjae nodded, focusing on the road again to switch lanes. "How did you two meet?"

"Uh," Jinyoung mumbled, not even trying to think about the fact that he was basically about to open up to a nearly complete stranger. "We had some mutual friends back then."

"Back then?" Youngjae asked. Jinyoung felt himself shrink further into the car seat. "So he's not _"just an aquintance"_?"

"I live with him." Jinyoung blurted out. Youngjae's eyes widened again as he took a better grip of the steering wheel. "No, he lives with _me_ , in _my_ apartment because he can't afford his own and is too lazy to get himself a job."

Youngjae made a face beside him. "Sounds bad."

"Tell me about it." muttered Jinyoung. "I mean, what isn't bad when it comes to Yugyeom. The man's a literal walking example of how to not live your life."

"Ouch." Youngjae hissed, almost awkwardly laughing at the power the statement came out with. "That's harsh."

"I fight with him, too." Jinyoung ignored him, suddenly inside his own little world where Youngjae didn't even exist. Staring straight ahead at the clear road, he huffed. "I smoke with him, I eat with him, I wash my damn laundry with him. God, I hate him so much."

Youngjae glanced at Jinyoung as the other hit the glovebox in frustration. "I drink with him, I laugh at stupid jokes with him, I sleep with him and insult him, _fuck_." Jinyoung pulled his lips in, hands ending up in his hair and messing it up as the realization hit him.

" _Fuck_ , I'm in fucking love with him."

 

\--

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo Yugyeom's got two guys in love with him 👀👀 cool cool


	6. Old symptoms die hard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Made some addition to the tags so please check them again in case anything there makes you uncomfortable!

Yugyeom wanted to disappear from the face of the earth, maybe even invalidate his whole existence so no memories of him could remain in anyone else's brains either.

Jinyoung took his time coming over and picking him up, of course he did. He would never rush it unless it was someone who he actually cared enough about, and that fact hit Yugyeom a lot deeper than usual after downing half of the bottle he found from an otherwise emptied kitchen cabinet. If Bambam wanted it back, he'd buy one, but at the moment he didn't know if he'd ever even look at him anymore.

A step into the house and his mind had turned into mush. The most important pillar in his life had fallen apart and slumped on the cold bathroom tiles while Yugyeom was still seated around the table, tipsy and reconsidering if it ever was a good idea to befriend someone who, at the end of the day, differed so much from him.

He wanted to figure everything out in a second, in a snap of fingers that would clear his head for good. He wanted to change for the better, whatever it meant, but fought against the feelings that were to guide him to the actual transformation. He wouldn't act upon any of them. He wouldn't jeopardise his own life like that again. He wouldn't --

A sudden restraint around his throat made him cough violently and push the chair back for more space, the small panic building up in his chest throughout the evening now rapidly spreading towards his head, invading his mind with multicolored fog and the highest category hurricane.

Immediately, a part of him considered running outside and throwing himself on the wet grass to fill his lungs with the chilly autumn air instead of continuing to pollute himself in the mixed smells of paint and booze, yet he couldnt risk anyone seeing him like this, so vulnerable and weak. The neighbourhood was full of curious kids, old aquintances and nosy elder people only separated by a low hedge that hid nothing from the passer-bys. So with unsteady feet, Yugyeom swayed against the countertop instead and dropped his elbows on both sides of the sink for support, just trying to rip the invisible hand off from pressing against his windpipe in attempt to strangle him.

Fingers curling into fists, brows scrunching up, his whole body trembled from the sheer power of a sudden retch. In pure horror, Yugyeom stayed crouched over the sink, heaving air as he felt the situation unravel and extend to a distance he couldn't control anymore.

He wanted to cry. This wouldn't be happening now after all the months he'd been perfecting himself. This wouldn't be happening now, not ever. He was determined to wash the feeling away yet the ghosts of the fingers only pressed further, causing his breaths to come out in short wheezes.

He'd tried to toughen up, for his friends, for his family, for his own sanity, but it only seemed to have broken him more.

 

  
\--

 

  
It was a different thing to talk to Youngjae about his feelings than actually see the target of them face to face after a childish argument they hadn't even made up yet, especially in a house that wasn't theirs.

Yugyeom had guided Jinyoung to step straight in without ringing the doorbell as to not wake any suspicions in the other man still in the apartment. Jinyoung hadn't thought about it further, not until the moment he was standing on the "welcome" mat in the hallway, and suddenly his legs felt like pure jelly as he readied himself for a quick, imperceptible rescue attempt.

Before he had got up from the car, Youngjae had tapped him on the shoulder and offered a bottle of water for his dry throat, claiming it would be best if he took a little breather before barging into the house after just realizing the significance of his own feelings. Jinyoung had given him a strained thanks, Youngjae nodding as he slammed the door shut and drove the car a bit to the side where he couldn't get a ticket for waiting.

Jinyoung raised the bottle to his lips after shaking his shoulders and relaxing the muscles on his face, almost able to taste the fresh water but halting in his movements after a particularly loud retch from another room.

It was familiar, and that's what alarmed Jinyoung the most. Living under the same roof with Yugyeom for months had trained him into recognizing every noise he made, and it wasn't the first time he heard the other cough his guts up.

The sounds continued louder, more painful in a way that Jinyoung couldn't just ignore it anymore, but he didn't know whether he had it in his feet to carry himself to the door and ask if Yugyeom was okay either. There was some unwritten rule of pretending not to care at least for 24 hours after a fall out, and the recent crisis he went through not even ten minutes ago did nothing to help the situation he'd put himself in.

But, his mind was forcing him to push further, to ditch the drink and check on Yugyeom regardless if only to make sure he could at least breathe in between.

And so he found himself standing in front of the doorway to the kitchen, ready to knock on the wall and have Yugyeom turn to him. That would be it. A knock and a question. That would do it. He wouldn't even _have_ to connect eyes.

But as if working with brains of their own, his feet passed the treshold and took him further, walking him hand in hand closer to the sink right where Yugyeom had his fingers tightly wrapped around the edges. His eyes travelled along the flaming red skin, stopping on his white knuckles and short bitten nails trying to claw their way into the marble counter.

And it had him completely speechless for a moment.

It took him a while to even realize he had to do something about it, something other than stand still and stare. But it scared him. As much as Jinyoung daydreamed, he'd never formed a vision of Yugyeom like this before, visibly in pain, looking so vulnerable retching plain air above the sink, knees buckling and hair sticking to the sweat on his temples.

No, Jinyoung dreamed of _good_ things, of them holding hands and casting cliche, loving eyes at each other. He dreamed of the moment he'd finally have the permission to keep the lights on. He dreamed about kissing Yugyeom and toasting to the new job he'd finally found, but never about anything quite like... _this_.

Not having the slightest idea of what to do, he touched a hesitant hand on Yugyeom's shoulder before slowly gaining more courage and spreading his whole palm along the length of it. Yugyeom flinched at the contact but stayed put, body hunching over the sink to try and throw up again but getting nothing out.

"Gyeom -- ?"

"It's a moment." Yugyeom managed in between weak gasps. "I'm having a moment. I'll be fine."

"A moment?" To say Jinyoung was confused would be an understatement. This wasn't Yugyeom, this wasn't what he did. "Can you even breathe? Gyeom?"

As if Jinyoung had clapped him out of a hypnosis, Yugyeom shivered, panicked gaze landing on the hand still warm on his shoulder and following the arm to the side of Jinyoung's neck before meeting his eyes. "I don't know, I -- "

"Okay, right, listen," Jinyoung tugged him off the counter and grabbed a hold of his upper arms, patting his way to Yugyeom's face and cupping it in his hands to snap him back to reality, forcing him to look at him. "Breathe, okay? Just try to breathe. I don't know what's happening but I'm sure it's not -- it's not anything serious. I'll keep you up so please don't throw up on me."

As if given a permission to finally break without judgement, Yugyeom did, buckets of tears streaming down his face and dripping off the sides of his chin as he stared ahead, still breathing heavy, heart thumping so madly in his chest that Jinyoung could almost see it through the thin shirt.

And then he was throwing himself on Jinyoung.

It wasn't for a sloppy kiss or a hushed, dirty whisper in his ear like what Jinyoung would usually prepare himself for. It wasn't hands on his ass or a pair of lips on his neck, just a simple hug. A simple, bone crushing hug which Jinyoung felt Yugyeom lean all his weight and fatigue in. So without questions, he carefully wrapped his own arms around him too, squeezing just as hard as Yugyeom was squeezing him and feeling the muscles shift on his back. It wasn't malicious or meant to hurt, just an assurance that he was there, present, someone Yugyeom could use as a stress toy when his brains clearly overheated and he needed some kind of release other than a hard fuck.

Now thinking about it, Jinyoung had probably never been in such an intimate situation with Yugyeom. A hug felt much more meaningful than a quick kiss or a hook up where they couldn't even see each other, and something in Jinyoung's heart melted at the imagine of Yugyeom finally softening for him, revealing a bit more of himself, perhaps even another side of him that Jinyoung was adamant was hidden somewhere deep within him.

Though sometimes he also admired the cool aura around him, felt jealous of Yugyeom's unfazed mindset, of his skill of brushing everything aside and avoiding problems until they weren't problems anymore, only slight obstacles in life he eventually got used to and over with. It would've been ideal to live without worry, to do what he wanted and not listen to anyone trying to make his life more difficult than what it already was.

But when he looked down at Yugyeom shaking against his chest and found himself caressing the back of his head in the middle of a stranger's kitchen, he stopped for a moment to rethink his assumptions about him again.

"Youngjae parked the car down the street." Jinyoung broke the silence, partly to stop thinking and distract himself from his own racing mind. The fact that he had to use so much strength to even get Yugyeom's hands from around him really started a spark in his chest. He felt needed. For once, he felt _genuinely_ needed by Yugyeom. "He won't wait for long."

Jinyoung dragged the limp man to the hallway and sat him down on a bench, putting on his shoes for him and tying the laces the best he could so Yugyeom wouldn't trip. And while crouched on the floor level, he couldn't help but glance around the apartment a bit, catching a glimpse of a framed picture lying face down on the linoleum from the corner of his eye, just close enough to him so he could reach a careful hand out to pick it up.

The back of it was the usual brown and boring cardboard piece, but what made his jaw drop was the other side, Yugyeom proudly standing in the middle of the picture with yellow hair and one arm wrapped around another guy who Jinyoung recognized as the cat man.

Both of them were grinning widely, eyes sparkling from the glittery eyeshadow smoothed on their lids. It seemed like it went years back, to a time when Jinyoung wasn't familiar with Yugyeom yet, only occassionally seeing him in a coffee shop or hanging around the town. He'd never seen so much life in his eyes than in that single, still shot, and somehow it made him feel too uneasy to continue staring at it. The glass had cracked a bit in the corner but not enough that Jinyoung would take it for a repair so he set it back on the dresser where it most likely had fallen off, throwing a final look at it before stepping aside and yanking Yugyeom up by his arm.

"Do you need a plastic bag for the car ride? I don't think Youngjae would be too happy about his seats getting ruined." he mused.

"No." Yugyeom answered absently, colour slowly reaching his cheeks again, a healthy red tint instead of pale white. It calmed Jinyoung down a bit, to know that whatever panic going on before had now subsided into something better. He didn't feel like cracking a joke about it so he gave Yugyeom a tight smile before pushing him out the front door and on the sidewalk.

What they hadn't been aware of was the open bathroom door and the careful, shuffling footsteps making their way into the living room to eavesdrop. They didn't know about Bambam listening in to their short conversation or the way his face had fallen having to see Yugyeom in that state again.

His fingers brushed across the picture Jinyoung had picked up, gently going over the tiny crack too. A bitter sigh left him as he then focused on the door Yugyeom had disappeared through just a second ago, the figure of him staying in his memory like it had been burned on his retinas.

He'd promised he wouldn't cry anymore but found himself wiping a few tears off his cheeks anyway. "You swore that you were doing fine." he whispered, voice trembling.

_"Why would you lie about that too?"_

 

-

 

 


	7. Fuck the feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And let the angst continue *rubs hands together*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I haven't been updating in a couple of months since I've been so busy with studies and personal life so apologies for that!! Also thank you so much for all the positive feedback and kudos, they really make my days so much better!
> 
> This is not a chapter that I'm the proudest of, but I hope you like it!
> 
> -C

Though having a loud mouth, Youngjae stayed suspiciously quiet throughout the way home, only occasionally clearing his throat while keeping a steady foot on the gas, and even then Jinyoung was scared he'd say something that would ruin the whole thing. He wished for the whole conversation to stay between the two of them, not even Jaebum could know although Jinyoung was pretty sure Youngjae didn't even have a clue who the guy was. 

But Jinyoung wanted to play it safe, and every now and then he glanced at Youngjae through the mirror to make sure no words were about to break free. 

Meanwhile Yugyeom was cocooned into a fuzzy blanket, asleep on the back seat with his head leaning on Jinyoung's shoulder. The weariness and heavy bags under his eyes were an easy sign to him, that Yugyeom hadn't been sleeping well for days which had him immediately insist more rest for him, even for the short ten minute trip to the apartment.

"Jinyoung?" Youngjae craned his neck to take a better look at the back as he rounded the last corner before their street. Startled, Jinyoung spared an uneasy glance at the man still quietly snoring next to him. 

"What?" he hissed.

"Where will I drop you two off?" Youngjae asked. 

"Our apart --  _my_  apartment." Jinyoung quickly corrected himself. 

It didn't come as a surprise that Youngjae chuckled and shook his head like Jinyoung had told him a lame joke. "Can I be totally honest?" he raised a brow in question. 

"Uh." Jinyoung stretched an arm out from under Yugyeom and fixed his posture, the younger's head threatening to slip off his shoulder before he could get a better grip on his chin and pull it back up. "Sure."

"The way you talk about him doesn't add up at all to the way you treat him." Youngjae mused. "You demonize him in our conversations yet you'd be the first to jump into a living volcano after him. What's making you so scared to talk about him the way you look at him?" he wondered aloud. "The way you're touching him even now."

Realizing this, Jinyoung pulled his hand off Yugyeom's cheek in a speed of light while Youngjae only cracked him a sly smile through the rear view mirror.

"Is this a mandatory conversation to have?" Jinyoung swallowed tightly. "Is it absolutely necessary to do it right now, right _here_?"

"I was just asking." 

"You were being suggestive." Jinyoung argued back.

"Whatever you say." 

Youngjae parked the car right on the corner of the street, a few steps away from Jinyoung's apartment building, and fumbled for the rest of their drinks in the back. Luckily for Jinyoung, he hadn't had time to open his can yet before they were already on an emergency mission to save his lover. Youngjae knew the people around an area like this liked to test the waters and go over the borders with speeding and driving while drinking, so any unexpected raid wouldn't have been a surprise to him. And getting caught drunk driving really wasn't one of his goals in life. 

All that aside, Youngjae hooked his fingers around the handle of the plastic bag and tugged it to the front seat with him just before Jinyoung could grab it to yank it back.

"You're going in and you're talking, _sober_." he explained, Jinyoung rolling his eyes in annoyance despite knowing Youngjae was probably just doing the right thing. "Do I need to come in to supervise you?"

"We're not kids." Jinyoung grumbled.

"Might as well be." Youngjae replied.

Jinyoung didn't feel like starting another fight so with a deep sigh, he forced the start of an argument back down his throat and instead, started to unbuckle their seatbelts. The rain had passed and the sun was peeking from behind the clouds again, yet he felt like the downpour inside of him had never lessened.

He freed himself and reached to the other side after, clicking Yugyeom's seatbelt off its place as well before clambering out of the small vehicle and slamming the door shut, loud enough to wake the sleepy head up so he could get out himself. After all, he didn't want to make it seem like he'd gone completely soft for him. Not with Youngjae staring and analysing his every movement with that sickeningly knowing grin on his face.

The bump of the door caused Yugyeom to startle and slowly open his eyes to look around, arms wrapping tighter around the blanket as he sat up properly and squinted at the brightness coming through the windows. There wasn't much he could tell about his whereabouts except that he was in a car, vision too hazy from sleep to get a grip of his surroundings yet. He yawned, palms digging into his eyes to rub the sleep out of them before curling back into his position under the warm sheet. A little more rest wouldn't hurt him now, would it?

Almost unconscious again, Yugyeom's ears still perked at the faint sound of a conversation outside. Next, there was a pair of eyes on him, then two. Frowning, he sat back up and stretched his legs out in front of him until a knock on the window made him jump again, a face he didn't remember ever seeing staring back at him before the man turned around to say something to...Jinyoung?

Yugyeom's heartbeat started to pick up as he tried to bring back the day's events from his tired brains. The missing jacket, a cup of sweetened tea at home, a trip to Bambam's house -- his face fell pale as the name stayed flickering in his mind and he swallowed hard, feeling how dry his throat was. 

So Bambam's house, he started the thought process again. The gifts, the kitchen, the conversation, the phone call, Jinyoung -- 

"Fuck." Yugyeom slammed his head on the back of the driver's seat. Does Jinyoung know?

It wouldn't have been a big deal to handle it all alone, to collect himself after and continue like nothing had happened. He'd live on, forget about it and not mention a word to anyone, that's how it had worked so far. But now Jinyoung just  _knew_ , and Yugyeom couldn't get his head around the fact that he may have slipped too far into the soft side and had no chance of getting back without trying to explain himself to Jinyoung first. He was definitely going to ask, and Yugyeom was definitely going to shake like a leaf through all of it, and right now he wanted nothing more than to be asleep for another half an hour, maybe even a day, or a year. Just so Jinyoung could have time to forget like he had.

With great hesitance, Yugyeom pressed the handle down and opened the door enough so he could slip out. His jeans had creased uncomfortably around his thighs so he bent down to adjust the fabric, all the while trying to get his hair to look like he wasn't some drunkard dug up from a ditch. The salty taste was strong as he licked his lips and he took in a deep breath to steady himself, beginning to understand that he'd probably cried and totally embarrassed himself in front of Jinyoung. Out of all the people possible, it just had to be him.

"Yugyeom!" He snapped his head up to follow the voice, finding Jinyoung standing at the front door and holding it open for the other man, waving at him to get in as well. "Come on, it's freezing in here!"

Yugyeom nodded slowly, unwrapping his fingers around the car door and walking along the gravel path to the entrance. He entered the stairwell with Jinyoung on his tail, wondering if he could still back out and sprint outside. But Jinyoung was occupying the entire width of the stairs, probably on total purpose, and he had no route to escape. The short trip to their shared apartment was quieter than ever before, the only noise coming from their footsteps that echoed off the empty walls. With every step, Yugyeom kept his eyes tightly on the tips of his shoes, holding onto the railing to avoid accidentally tripping and crashing onto Jinyoung behind him. Third floor had never felt so far away.

Everyone was still mute when Youngjae opened the door for them and flicked the lights on in the hallway. The trio kicked off their shoes and Yugyeom took a head start to the sofa-bed, crossing his legs under him as he settled down on the pillows and blankets. Jinyoung kept his distance and positioned himself on a kitchen stool, leaning an elbow on the island and dropping his chin on his palm. 

"Uh." Youngjae cleared his throat next to them. "I don't think I'm really needed anymore. I'm Youngjae, by the way, if you...didn't catch that yet." he said to Yugyeom.

"Cool." Yugyeom nodded absentmindedly. "Hi Youngjae."

With an awkward wave of a hand, Youngjae turned to Jinyoung. "Will you two be okay...?"

"Like I said," Jinyoung sighed into his palm. "We're not kids."

"And like I said, you might as well be." Youngjae shrugged, catching both of them rolling their eyes at him at the same time. "Be honest to eachother." he finished with an especially pointed look at Jinyoung. Yugyeom frowned. What was that supposed to even mean?

The man was out the door before Jinyoung could but in, leaving the two alone with the huge elephant in the room. Yugyeom stared right ahead of himself, gnawing on his bottom lip and waiting for the building to collapse on them or something. He could feel Jinyoung's eyes bore a hole in his temple but refused to return the gaze, not really fancying the idea of getting a ton of sarcastic shit on his back today.

But Jinyoung didn't give up. Yugyeom should've known that, he never did. The second he so much as glanced at his direction, the man abandoned the place around the table and made his way towards the bed, causing Yugyeom's heart to nearly jump out of his throat. However, he scooted a bit to the side to let Jinyoung climb in too, sensing he was just as hesitant as Yugyeom from the way he gripped the side of the blanket but couldn't hold it up with how much his fingers were trembling. 

"So," Jinyoung started hesitantly. "What was that at Bambam's?"

"Nothing." Yugyeom replied coldly. "You want a smoke to calm down that trembling?" he still found himself offering. He didn't look at Jinyoung, though, instead focusing on his safe spot on the wall, an old stain of food that just didn't wear off no matter how much they tried to scrub it out.

"No." Jinyoung's answer was just as boring and monotone as the question itself, and the room fell silent again. There wasn't really much Yugyeom could do other than hope the day was just a figment of his imagination. That was all he could wish for, and he was praying to wake up from it before the nightmare could damage him any further.

"Won't you look at me?" Jinyoung then lowered his voice beside him. "Please do so we can actually, you know, talk. Isn't that what we're supposed to do now?"

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea -- "

"It's a fucking excellent idea, Yugyeom, you know that. Don't you dare shut me out now." Jinyoung sounded like he was demanding, but the pleads behind his words were obvious. "We're getting nowhere if we can't communicate. I can't support you if we don't talk. I can't be honest with you if we don't talk. Especially if you don't listen -- "

"I am doing that right now, just letting you know." Yugyeom couldn't help himself. To this day his ultimate weapon had been sarcasm, and getting rid of it just like that didn't come easy for him. He saw Jinyoung's shoulders sag a little from disappointment and without thinking, his hands wrapped around both of them to fix his posture again.

"What are you -- "

"I'm sorry." 

"What?" Jinyoung's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets.

"I said I'm sorry." Yugyeom repeated quietly as he pulled his hands back on his lap. "Don't make me say it again, I know you heard it the first time."

"I -- okay." Jinyoung ended it there, eyebrows almost disappearing under his overgrown fringe. "Just, why?"

"Why what?" Yugyeom stayed stubborn regardless. He didn't know what Jinyoung was trying to dig out of him so urgently, he didn't know what the other wanted him to say or what he was even apologizing for. It just slipped, and now he had to explain that, too. 

Jinyoung tugged a pillow to his chest and played with the buttons on the sides of it. "What are you being sorry for?" 

It was an obvious thing to ask, yet it was a question Yugyeom couldn't answer, not with full knowledge. No matter how much Jinyoung wanted to crack his code or invade his thoughts or whatever he was trying to do, Yugyeom wouldn't let that happen and so he stayed quiet, calculating what would be an answer that wouldn't give too much away. Maybe he could survive the interrogation without drawing any attention to what he was afraid of talking about the most. His own weaknesses.

"For being...difficult, I guess." Yugyeom decided, shrugging. "I don't know. Can we just, make food or something? Or take a nap? I don't really feel like talking at the moment."

"When do you ever feel like talking though?" Jinyoung chuckled drily. "It's like -- no, really, I don't get how you can run your mouth all the time, every day, but when we actually need to sit down and sort things out to make our co-existence even a bit more bearable, you avoid it with trashy excuses like this." 

Yugyeom swallowed around the lump in his throat, suddenly getting flashbacks of the similar conversation he had with Bambam earlier that day, everything still way too vivid in his memory. The words were playing in his head on repeat and he didn't know how to pause it.

 

_"Let's talk then. You wanted to talk."_

_"You didn't and you never have. Isn't this how our friendship has always been? We don't talk."_

 

He knew Bambam was right, Jinyoung was too, but why did it feel so insurmountably difficult to just admit it? 

"Okay, so you're clearly not answering anymore." Jinyoung rolled his lips, shoving the pillow at Yugyeom's feet with a bit more force than necessary. "And I have literally no idea what's making you act like this all the time. I just want answers."

"Me too." Yugyeom only realized his mistake after he'd blurted it out, praying the other wouldn't have heard it, but it seemed to be too late as Jinyoung's head had already whipped to his direction.

"Really?" he asked.

"I -- " Yugyeom furrowed his brows. "I guess I just want to know...what we are." he stammered.

"Or what we're not." Jinyoung grumbled, sleep starting to rub in his eyes like sand, and he didn't know how many days he'd been pulling an all-nighter for but it was starting to take its toll on him, too. He was just as exhausted as Yugyeom. Not only from lack of sleep but also because of the never ending cycle they were in that just wouldn't stop. He was tired of questioning, tired of being confused and helpless, tired of being guided by his friends and always having to rely on them since he didn't know better himself, tired of his life in general.

Tired of  _Yugyeom_.

Yet still, Jinyoung stared at the man with a growing pressure in his chest like he didn't want to let go of the person. Something in him wasn't ready to give up on him yet, there was a sparkle of something in his chest, hope even, the kind he couldn't help but feel both glad and anxious about. 

"Aren't you gonna say anything else?" Yugyeom pressed, getting more intense. Jinyoung knew he just wanted to be petty. "You wanted me to talk, I talked. I brought up a topic, now let's talk about it."

"Is it something you're actually losing your sleep over or something you know I want to hear?" Jinyoung swallowed. "Because there's a great difference between those two and I need to be sure you're being genuine before I can start to be honest."

Despite all his fatigue and unwillingness to be a part of the conversation, Yugyeom couldn't help but turn to look at him like he had two heads. "What the fuck does that even mean?"

Jinyoung sighed. "Just tell me if you're thinking about these things, too. What we are, what we could be -- "

"No." Yugyeom immediately interrupted, eyes wide. "No. This conversation ends here." He scrambled to stand up from the mattress and hurled the pillow back at Jinyoung, hitting him in the chest. "I said I wasn't in the mood to talk, didn't I?"

Jinyoung was left gaping after him in utter confusion meanwhile Yugyeom, like usual when he got frustrated, grabbed his phone with him and stomped to the front door, already throwing on his jacket when Jinyoung tried to untangle himself from the sheets to catch him before he could flee. He wasn't going to let that happen again, he already had the base to a conversation. They were doing so good until suddenly they weren't. 

And Jinyoung just couldn't understand Yugyeom, how he was so close to managing to talk about his feelings but crawled back into his shell at the last minute like nothing had happened. Like he'd said nothing, like he'd done nothing. It bothered Jinyoung that he couldn't get a proper grip of him. Yugyeom was a hard book to read, and Jinyoung felt like even a dictionary wouldn't help him solve the mysteries in him. 

He just wanted to tell him what he told Youngjae. Because today, he had the courage. Tomorrow? Probably not anymore. He needed to get it out before he could make the whole thing seem completely foolish again.

The next thing he knew, his hands were grabbing Yugyeom's shoulders, yanking him back from the doorway and collecting the cotton of his jacket into his fists, fingers digging into the soft material.

Yugyeom stumbled and gasped at the unexpected contact, lips parting just enough for Jinyoung to catch a glimpse of the tips of his front teeth, perfectly white and pretty and shiny and fuck, he wanted to kiss him. It had always been just a hook up, never a real kiss, never something meaningful like that and perhaps that was why it had always felt so wrong, to imagine kissing him without a deeper purpose. Because damn, Jinyoung just couldn't deny the fact that he loved him. He loved him a lot, and every bit of Yugyeom was beautiful. 

"Please don't disappear again." His voice was desperate, and he couldn't help but shake Yugyeom a little, watching him frown and scrunch up his face like he was about to spill his guts from secrets. 

But he kept quiet. He kept being quiet which annoyed Jinyoung to the core, because although it didn't bother him that he wasn't always being paid attention to, this was Yugyeom he was talking about, and Yugyeom was different. Yugyeom had always been an exception.

He'd always been an exception yet it had taken Jinyoung four years to realize just how special he really was.

He could do it. He could go for a kiss, lights on and all, to test Yugyeom and see if he pulls away. He wanted to be able to press his lips against his, to feel the same safety and comfort he experienced when he hugged him for the first time just barely over on hour ago. He was ready to close his eyes and reach forward --

"Bambam said that he loves me." Yugyeom blurted, just when Jinyoung's fists started to tighten around the fabric of his jacket to tug him closer.

He stopped like he'd been frozen, heart skipping a beat as he looked up into Yugyeom's eyes to see if he was lying. "What?" he swallowed.

"He cried, and he told me that he loves me." Yugyeom pointed a finger at his own chest, looking like he was still trying to process the info himself. 

Within a split second, Jinyoung felt his heart shatter into pieces. "When?"

"Today."

_Fuck_.

Was this what being stabbed felt like?

Why was Yugyeom telling him this? Did he love him back? But he cried at his house? Where was Bambam? Surely they couldn't become a couple, right?

Closing his eyes, Jinyoung let out a long sigh, trying not to let his emotions get the best of him just yet. He loosened his grip and stepped back, dropped his hands from Yugyeom's shoulders and tugged the rest of the jacket properly on him, even adjusted the collar that had folded at the back of his neck. 

"Then you should probably go to him." Jinyoung forced himself to sound casual. 

"What -- ?"

"Just go." Jinyoung urged him with a strained tone. "And maybe try to look a bit happier. It's not every day you hear a guy confess to you."

It was now Yugyeom's turn to look confused, and Jinyoung just hoped he wouldn't see the start of a bitter smile on his face.

"I don't -- " Yugyeom frowned. "I don't love -- not like tha -- "

"I'm gonna go make some ramen."

And with that, Jinyoung turned on his heels to disappear into the kitchen, away from Yugyeom's prying eyes, and allowed the first tears of frustration to well up in his own as he leaned his palms on the counter. A moment later, Jinyoung heard the front door fall shut in the hallway, and he was left in an even bigger silence than before. 

He fished his phone out of his pocket and speed dialled Jaebum, biting his lip into bleeding as he waited.

_"Hi, Jinyoung."_

_"Remind me to never listen to your bad advise again, okay?"_  Jinyoung couldn't help the soft cry leaving his mouth which immediately alarmed Jaebum to jump out of his seat.

_"Jinyoung? Jinyoung, what's wrong? Did you talk to Yugyeom?"_

_"Kinda."_  His voice squeaked higher than usual and he was well aware of how miserable and pathetic he sounded, but he literally couldn't give two shits about it at the moment.

_"Was he being a dick again?"_ Jaebum worried.

_"No."_ Jinyoung laughed drily, wiping the tears with the back of his hand.  _"No, he was just in love."_

 

_\--_


	8. Still hesitating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little~ bit of angst before we get to the good stuff aka the process of making up and confessions, I'm so excited for them!
> 
> The updates have been so slow ughh and I apologize for that. If there are people still looking forward to this fic: thank you a bunch, you're amazing! 💘 hopefully I can make it up to you with a longer chapter and finally maybe some small progress in Jingyeom's relationship!  
> Enjoy!
> 
> -C

It was raining again when Yugyeom stepped into a bus. He hadn't got much sleep, and was now sure he knew exactly what being a zombie felt like. Slumping down on one of the seats in the back, he leaned his head on the cold window, following the trees and street lamps passing by. 

It hadn't felt right to leave the apartment two days ago. It never did. The irritating feeling was always carving its way deeper, all the way into Yugyeom's heart where it hurt the most. He'd told Jinyoung about Bambam, it felt good to say it out loud to someone so he didn't have to keep dwelling on it by himself, yet he couldn't help but remember the way Jinyoung's voice had faltered a little, how his demeanor had changed so drastically after. 

It had scared him, Jinyoung suddenly getting so emotional and talking about their status, where they stood in whatever their messy relationship was. Yugyeom had to get out. There were things he could discuss, but the thought of actually admitting to something or putting a label on what they were was just something he couldn't bear. Jinyoung had always seemed to hate him despite their escapades together, so why would he ask if Yugyeom thought about them any differently? Did he want to make him look like a fool, knowing that Yugyeom carried something even stronger than hate within him? 

Either way, he'd made his way to Mark's house where he'd let him sleep a few times before when he lost his home, before he had the courage to bother Jinyoung with the information. And of course, he'd been warmly welcomed in again although Yugyeom was sure Mark was innerly debating whether or not to call Jinyoung to inform him about his current location. 

The guest room wasn't much but he didn't dare to complain. He'd been friends with Mark almost as long as with Bambam, getting to know him through his best friend in middle school and growing very fond of him throughout the years. He hadn't had much time to properly hang out with him lately which made him feel a bit guilty, knowing how good and genuine friend Mark was.

Ever since they became more familiar, Mark had not once turned him away. He always opened his door and gave him a long hug before inviting him inside. He always made sure everyone around him was doing okay, if not, he tried his best to change the situation. He always made them coffee when Yugyeom stayed the night, thoughtfully pouring some sugar and plopping a few ice cubes in just for him. 

And Jackson...he really hadn't appreciated Jackson nearly as much as the man deserved. He'd always been the one to cheer him up whenever he had it difficult. Jackson took him to the movies, amusement parks, the planetarium or just a simple grill kiosk on the side of the road and made it the best time of his life. He always encouraged Yugyeom to try new things and praised him for the littlest of successions. Both of them had been nothing but angels in his life yet...

Had Yugyeom ever even thanked them for being there for him? Had he ever given as much back as he was getting? Maybe he'd taken his best friends for granted, too, always relying on them to fix his problems and give him a place to stay but never having the ability to offer that same back. How could he give anyone advise if he couldn't even handle his own life? Could he ever repay them enough? 

He strayed away from his thoughts only when the bus hit a hole on the road and caused his head to jerk away from the window just in time for his stop. Sighing heavily, Yugyeom stood up and jumped off, watching the bus disappear behind the hill and silently wishing he'd just missed the stop instead. 

But no, he was at that point again, about to walk straight into something he didn't know, for sure, if he'd survive.

Looking down at his feet, he slowly opened his umbrella to walk across the road and through a parking lot, the bright neon store signs already visible to him in the dark. And only then did he realize the real destination of his bus trip, when he found himself standing in front of the store he knew Jinyoung worked in. 

Was he really going to do this?

Yugyeom took in a deep breath as he closed his umbrella and stepped closer to the doors, the slow humming ringing in his ears as they opened in front of him. He didn't see Jinyoung at the first glance, which was probably a good sign. Instead, Jaebum greeted him at the counter with a polite enough customer smile when he walked further in and snatched his favorite choco milk off the shelf. 

"I'm covering for Jinyoung until he gets back." Jaebum explained at the register. Yugyeom only gave him a small nod before settling around a low coffee table. He stabbed the straw into the carton box and took a sip, waiting for the rain to stop and swallowing anxiously at the thought of Jinyoung being back in no time. 

Which was true. No longer than five minutes later, Yugyeom saw a familiar car pull up into the parking lot, a way too familiar body getting out and jogging to the doorway with a few plastic bags, the silver buttons on his jacket glistening in the rain.

He looked the same as always, Yugyeom noticed, wondering if he'd probably just dreamed the whole thing between them. He watched Jinyoung take off his pointy shoes and change into some more comfortable slippers before tugging off his jacket and slipping on a vest with a nametag.

The routine didn't seem any different from before until he focused better, until Yugyeom could see Jinyoung's mouth didn't curve up into a tiny smile like usually. The bags under his eyes were poorly hidden under some makeup, his posture a bit more hunched than before. It wasn't too visible to outsiders, but to Yugyeom it felt like the whole man had changed into someone else. He didn't recognize the features in him, could only pay attention to the way he tiredly dragged a hand through his hair to shake the rain drops off. 

And then he noticed Yugyeom. 

As if not expecting to see him there at all, Jinyoung's eyes widened a bit, face paling and grip loosening on the bags he was holding. Yugyeom froze in the middle of a sip, the choco milk raised to his lips as he stared back, mouth agape from getting caught looking. It was almost like slow motion, the way their eyes met from across the room, and then Jinyoung was turning his head away again as he sprinted past Yugyeom without sparing another glance at him.

"Yugyeom, was it?" 

Jaebum's sudden appearance beside him made him startle and hit his knee on the tiny table. 

"Huh?"

"You're Yugyeom, right?" he asked again.

"Yes?" Yugyeom swallowed. "Wh -- "

"Ah, I knew it." To his surprise, Jaebum took a seat on the chair across him. "So you and Jinyoung really aren't talking?"

"Uh." The nerves in Yugyeom's system made him almost bolt on the spot and leave his unfinished drink behind. But he composed himself, working hard to make it seem like his heart wasn't beating a hundred miles per hour. "I guess you could say that."

Jaebum rolled his eyes, something Yugyeom hadn't expected him to do since they didn't really know each other. He'd only seen the guy a few times while hanging out with Jinyoung and the name was the only thing he'd caught. Who was he to ask about their personal lives?

Yet there he was, glaring at Yugyeom as he nudged him to go after Jinyoung. "I really don't get what's wrong with you two." he huffed. "So I just want to say this as shortly and in the most simple way as possible. Your issues won't solve themselves so stop ignoring each other. Please."

"I'm not ignoring him." Yugyeom instantly argued, nervous. "He's ignoring  _me_."

"You sound like a fucking child."

Yugyeom almost choked on his milk. "Excuse me? Are we really that close with each other that we can already start using names?"

"I've said the same to Jinyoungie." Jaebum said. "And in my opinion, there's nothing wrong with stating the facts."

Yugyeom didn't know what he'd expected to happen when he first walked in, but the more Jaebum kept casting those accusing eyes at him, the more he wanted to go back in time and cancel the whole dumb idea. 

"We really haven't seen each other in days..." he swallowed, blinking up at Jaebum as if he'd give him any mercy.

"Baby steps, okay? Baby steps." he told him. "Or are you telling me you're just going to avoid him for the rest of your life? You live under the same roof, for fuck's sake, you can't just not make up."

"I don't know if there's anything else I can do." Yugyeom ducked his head.

"Perhaps if you told me what happened between you and him..." Jaebum sighs. "He won't talk to me either -- "

"It's nothing important." Yugyeom tried but the other rolled his eyes again, obviously not having any of it.

"It's nothing important," Jaebum mocked him. "Yet you're still shit scared of even making an eyecontact with him."

"I'm not!" Yugyeom hissed. "I just haven't had a chance to."

"He's in the same damn store as you. Now  _is_  your chance!" Jaebum yelled almost aloud. "Or are you saying you came all the way here just for your chocolate milk?"

"He's on his shift, I dont want to bother him!" Yugyeom protested, mumbling the rest. "Or put any kind of pressure on him either."

Jaebum took a deep breath in through his nose, rubbing his temples in slow circles. "You both are unbelievable."

"I know." Yugyeom said, already standing up to walk out when a hand grabbed the sleeve of his shirt and stopped him, sending him tumbling backwards. Despite his rushed objections, Jaebum guided him behind the counter where Jinyoung had settled on the floor to organize different flavors of teas in boxes. The man didn't lift his gaze from his lap, as expected, although Yugyeom was sure he could feel their presence. He elbowed Jaebum on his side, encouraging him to step away as he mouthed a bitter 'okay, fine' to him before taking a dangerous step towards Jinyoung.

"Can we...Can we, um -- fuck, I can't do this -- " he paused, clearing his throat after the hesitant squeak leaving his throat. "Can we maybe...try to talk again?"

Jinyoung didn't budge, just squinted his eyes as he tried to read the tiny text printed on the containers, making Yugyeom extremely frustrated for the lack of attention he got. In all honesty, he already knew it would be like this. He knew he wouldn't be getting a single word out of him yet he still let himself be persuaded.

"Jinyoung, please." he tried again, only for Jinyoung to turn his back on him, quite literally, as he moved on to the next box of tea.

Feeling helpless, Yugyeom glanced over at Jaebum but the man just shrugged, silently urging him to keep up the small talk by nodding his head in Jinyoung's direction.

Yugyeom groaned internally. How did it become like this? Needing a near stranger to encourage him to talk to someone just because he was a fucking coward and feared the reaction he would get. Talking? He mastered it, but sometimes Jinyoung was just a totally different case, and his knowledge of vocabulary wasn't enough to make him confident about himself while trying to communicate with him. He stood behind Jinyoung, waiting for him to turn back to him ready to sort things out, to call a truce or something, but he didn't. And it was driving him crazy.

"Fine." he scoffed after a minute had passed, trying not to show the obvious look of hurt on his face as he shrugged. "Don't know why I thought I'd need you back anyway."

With that, Yugyeom sped past a confused Jaebum, picked up his chocolate milk and headed to the door with heavy steps.

He'd already disappeared around the corner when Jaebum turned back to Jinyoung, only to find him frozen in his place, an emotionless expression on his face as he processed Yugyeom's words. The tea bags supposed to be put into the containers were abandoned on the floor, some of them still resting on Jinyoung's open palms waiting to be sorted. And it wasn't until Jaebum had closed the store and kneeled beside him that he flinched back to reality, head automatically falling down as he swallowed with difficulty.

"So you put the chamomiles in white boxes? Green teas in the gray ones?"

For a brief moment, Jinyoung lifted his gaze back, frowning as he blinked at Jaebum in confusion.

"The tea bags." Jaebum clarified. "Do you need help? There are literally hundreds -- "

"Just go straight to the point." Jinyoung coldly cut him off. "No need to ramble, just ask. I know you want to."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Jaebum grabbed a few tea bags from Jinyoung. "I'm here to do my job and help you organize these. You and Yugyeom can this time deal with your stuff without me."

"As if you hadn't stuck your nose in our business already." Jinyoung scoffed, snatching the teas back from Jaebum who just shrugged defeatedly, not even protesting as he stood back up from the floor and adjusted his vest.

"Okay, well, I'll leave you to it." he mumbled. "Just trying to be a bit of help."

"By making things even worse?" Jinyoung had now stood up as well, having completely forgotten what he was doing as he stared at Jaebum in fury. "By forcing him to come talk to me, now is that what you call helping?"

"I didn't force him, he wanted to talk -- "

"But I didn't want to fucking talk to him!" Jinyoung slammed his palm on the counter, causing Jaebum and even himself to flinch at the impact.

Releasing a shaky attempt of a laugh that however, turned halfway into a pathetic sob, Jinyoung turned on his heels to walk away. Jaebum's footsteps followed close behind, made him want to scream at him to get out and leave him be, to spoil someone else's evening instead...but as he felt the familiar arms wrap around him and the warmth of another person against his back, he broke, knees fully giving up as his body slowly collapsed on the floor.

And he cried. 

He cried again as if he hadn't got enough of it already.

"I miss him so bad." he sobbed, holding onto Jaebum's arms like his life depended on him. "I miss him too much and I hate myself for that. God, I hate myself for that so much -- "

"Shh, I've got you." Jaebum ran a hand through his hair, letting Jinyoung lean against his chest. "Everything's okay -- "

"Look at me, Jaebum!" he demanded. "Fucking look at me and tell me what part of this situation is even remotely okay to you. I know that you always try to look for the positives in life but I'm really, _really_ not up for that shit right now."

"Okay." He could feel Jaebum's small whisper disappear into his hair. "Okay, I'm sorry. Sometimes I get annoying with that. I'm glad you told me." he sighed, burying his chin into the thick, dark locks. "Would you also tell me what's happening to you? What's all this about?" he tried. "Missing Yugyeom...it doesn't make you a bad person, Jinyoung. You're allowed to miss him, just...please tell me what happened. Youngjae and I are getting worried."

"You called Youngjae?" Jinyoung's eyes widened, suddenly remembering everything he'd told him the other day. 

He'd promised not to tell anyone. He couldn't have told Jaebum, could he? He wouldn't be so unfair. There was a time and place for everything, and it wasn't Jinyoung's time yet to open up to Jaebum although he was his best friend. Jaebum knew about his past affection for Yugyeom, but he didn't know anything about the love, and Jinyoung needed to make sure he could discuss it with him later, ask advise, maybe borrow a couple of tissues for his leaking eyes and runny nose. He just hoped Youngjae hadn't ruined that from him.

"He showed up here yesterday and was looking for you. Said you didn't answer your phone." Jaebum hummed. "I told him you called me, that you were okay and you'd do your shift today. I didn't know if you'd want me to tell him the details so I didn't go into them. Just said you called and he seemed relieved at that."

Jinyoung's heart thumped madly in his chest. "Did he say anything else?"

"Just asked you to answer his messages. It seemed important." Jaebum said, faltering. "I...I hope whatever is going on, that you can tell me about it some day when you feel like it." he whispered. "I'm truly here for you, Jinyoung. Just like you've been for me."

Jinyoung didn't need anything more at the moment than a tight hug from a friend, and Jaebum gladly delivered the second Jinyoung wrapped his fingers around his biceps and swooped him into a warm embrace. "I promise I'll tell you." he whispered back, sniffling. "Thank you, Jaebum. And I'm sorry."

 

\--

 

They collected themselves off the floor after what felt like hours. Jaebum had continued where Jinyoung had left off and sorted the rest of the teas before stocking them. Jinyoung had stood behind him, continuously apologising for having Jaebum do all the work, but the other had insisted he should take a break before cleaning up and officially closing the store for the day. He'd made sure Jinyoung was okay, or as okay as he could be, and reminded him to text Youngjae back again. And then he'd left. 

Jinyoung instantly looked for his phone in his pocket and opened it to see several messages from Youngjae.

 

_Did all go well?_

_I'm sorry if I was awkward, I really just wanted to help you guys out_

_Jinyoung?_

_Please message me back soon. Should we hang out some day?_

_I saw Jaebum and he told me you were okay so I probably shouldn't worry. Just tell me if I was too much, I really am sorry if I made you uncomfortable_

_Please tell me if you're mad at me_

_I really like to hang out with you. I hope I didn't ruin it :/_

 

The way Youngjae's messages got gradually worse over the two days made Jinyoung feel extremely guilty for abandoning his friend for so long. Youngjae was clearly blaming himself for it, and it didn't sit well with him. Biting his lip, Jinyoung dialed his number and waited until a groggy voice answered on the other end.

"Youngjae?" Jinyoung breathed before the other could get a word in. "I'm so sorry for not answering you earlier. I swear it wasn't you, it was all me."

Youngjae chuckled slightly. " _You're making this sound like you're breaking up with me or something._ "

A short, relieved laugh bubbled out of Jinyoung's throat. "Definitely not doing that. I just finished work so I could -- shit, is it the middle of the night?" He checked the clock on the wall. "It  _is_  the middle of the night. Did I wake you up?"

" _Dont worry about it, Jinyoung. I'm just glad you called._ " Youngjae said. Jinyoung could almost hear him yawn. " _I just thought_... _maybe you didn't want to talk to me anymore. I mean, we haven't known each other that long yet and I shouldn't have messed with your situation like that. I'm sorry._ "

"You didn't do anything wrong, please know that." Jinyoung assured him. "Just...the talking didn't exactly go like I wanted to and I don't blame you for any of that, it was just me and Yugyeom making things worse like usual. I got to know something that made me a little...upset, I guess."

_"Are you okay?"_

"I'm trying." Jinyoung laughed a little. "Just know that I haven't been mad at you at any point. I'm just letting my own problems in the way of my friendships and...I want to apologise for that."

_"I understand."_ Youngjae hummed sleepily.  _"It's all good, you don't have to be sorry. We'll hang out soon, right?"_

"I'll make sure to put my problems aside for a day and spend time with you, I promise." Jinyoung chuckled. "Thank you for understanding. I'll treat you to a meal?"

" _You know that's an offer I can't reject_." Youngjae laughed, then lowered his voice a little. " _Sorry, I'd love to talk more but I don't think my little puppy appreciates me making noise at this hour._ " 

Jinyoung only smiled. "Tell Coco I said hi. I'll call you soon."

With that, they hung up. Youngjae sent him a bunch of overjoyed emojies in the chat as he finally heard from Jinyoung after a few days, saying goodnight and telling him to get home safely. It was such a small act yet it almost made Jinyoung cry again, knowing he had so many people around him who still cared when he felt like no one did. 

It wasn't often he felt like the world was ending, but the mess with Yugyeom had changed him and he couldn't escape his feelings, leaving him dull and empty everywhere except for his heart full of love for the person he'd just pushed away. Was it always going to be such a struggle for them? He really didn't know how much he could take anymore.

At least the rain had the decency to finally stop, Jinyoung thought as he stepped outside and made sure the lights were out and doors locked. Some song he heard on the radio was playing on repeat in his head and he hummed to the tune of it as he unlocked his car and dropped himself on the driver's seat, digging his keys in. The parking lot was completely empty, dark without a single street light, so Jinyoung deemed it safe to just drop his head into his arms on top of the steering wheel to let out a long sigh.

Though if he hadn't, maybe he wouldn't have almost got a heart attack or sprained his finger when someone tapped on his shoulder out of the blue. Heart jumping to his throat, Jinyoung peered into the darkness to distinguish another person in the car with him,  _beside_  him, tall and skinny with high cheekbones and messy hair. 

"Yugyeom?" Jinyoung had to blink to make sure he wasn't seeing things. That would've already been concerning. "What -- ?"

"You took long." Yugyeom's voice was small as he dropped his gaze on his lap. "I thought you'd probably gone with Jaebum but I wanted to wait just a bit more in case you'd come."

As his eyes got slowly used to the darkness, Jinyoung could tell Yugyeom's face looked a bit swollen, nose puffy and cheeks a color darker than the rest of his skin. Had he cried, too?

"Why?" Jinyoung couldn't understand. He just couldn't get why Yugyeom would wait for him for hours after already lashing out at him. He couldn't comprehend a single thing the man did but this was something even beyond that. "Why are you in my car and why even would you do something like that?"

For a while, Yugyeom didn't answer, and Jinyoung wanted to throw him out of the car and make him find a way home by himself if he was going to stay silent again. But then instead of using words, Yugyeom grabbed the sleeve of his jacket and leaned in, far further than he should have, and pressed his lips against Jinyoung's to mold them together. 

Despite the circumstances and utter confusion, Jinyoung didn't even think twice before kissing back. Of course he did. Yugyeom could tell him to go to hell and he'd still want to devour him on the spot. He could kick him off the bed and leave his laundry lying around the house just to annoy him yet Jinyoung would still throw him on the bed and kiss him until their lips were raw rather than plan a revenge. Yugyeom could do anything yet it still wouldn't lessen his feelings for him.

So he kissed Yugyeom like he'd been starving for days, hands coming up to hold both sides of his face in his palms. Yugyeom's hand took support on Jinyoung's thigh, warmth seeping through his jeans and making him hot all over. He could hear the soft sigh from Yugyeom when he gently bit on his bottom lip, the way he tried to gasp for more air when there was a small pause, but how he still surged right back in after getting that little bit of oxygen. Jinyoung, however, didn't break apart willingly at any point. 

To Jinyoung, Yugyeom was his oxygen. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heh did you catch that oxygen reference? I saw a chance and took it ;)


	9. Efficient communication

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been almost two months I'm so sorry!! To be honest, my motivation has been low for this particular story since I have so many new ideas and vips for another fic to come. But I'll finish this no matter what, it'll just take time! Also I'm writing this at 2 am and I'm tired af so please excuse me if there are any spelling mistakes hehe
> 
> Thanks for the comments again, they make me so happy every time! <33

 

Many things in the world had Jinyoung confused and made him question his sanity yet nothing came even close to what he felt now. It was cold without the heater on yet he felt like the car was burning. He cupped Yugyeom's cheeks in the darkness as they kissed, slid his hands along his broad shoulders and curled his fingers in thick, dark hair, did everything he could to be sure he wasn't dreaming or hallucinating it all. He'd been running with so little sleep the past few days that it wouldn't be completely impossible.

Although the kiss was fervent, there was still some tenderness to it that Jinyoung hadn't noticed before. Or maybe it hadn't been there before at all. Maybe they'd just unlocked a new level in their relationship, or maybe it was just the lack of proximity that they both suffered from since they were usually so tightly together.

Or it could be a step back into the past. Jinyoung shuddered from inside as the thought invaded his mind. It could be them starting the whole roller coaster ride from the beginning before turning it into something disastrous again. Jinyoung wished with all his being it wasn't. He wanted this kiss to be a start of something new, something better, something that wouldn't make him regret ever falling in love with him.

He didn't know he was tearing up until Yugyeom parted from him with a deep frown and brought his thumbs up to wipe at his wet cheeks. Instinctively, he leaned into the touch as he swallowed down the lump in his throat. A cold shiver made its way through his body again, though he couldn't hide his reaction this time.

He'd missed this, the hands on his skin that he hadn't had the chance to feel for so long. He'd longed for it, deep down, so much that it was getting painful. He hadn't known it until now, but he'd been pining after those simple, soft touches and the fresh smell of him and whatever perfume he used. It hadn't even been a week yet he was lost trying to cope without Yugyeom in the apartment, even more so trying to deal with the fact he loved someone else -- 

_Shit,_ his heart dropped.

He loved someone else.

He loved someone and it wasn't Jinyoung. How could he forget? How could he be so infatuated with a kiss that he forgot the main reason why he was avoiding Yugyeom in the first place?

"No." Jinyoung started to shake his head as he pried Yugyeoms hands off his face, the realization starting to dawn upon him. "No, you can't just break into my car and give me this false hope. It's not fair." he stressed, voice shaking. "You can't just kiss me and touch me like you actually mean it when you're with someone else. This is not like before. Do you not know how relationships work?"

With the way Yugyeom's face twisted and his mouth fell open, Jinyoung could tell that probably wasn't what he was expecting him to say. His hands were still hovering in the air in front of Jinyoung until he slowly lowered them back on his lap and closed his eyes to take in a deep breath. 

Jinyoung readied himself for a heart crushing speech about how he only wanted to kiss him one last time before moving in with Bambam, how he didn't want to go while still being in bad terms. To be honest, he hadn't even expected Yugyeom to be this sweet about it, but he was glad he wasn't left with nothing at all. 

Mirroring Yugyeom, Jinyoung let his eyes fall shut, too, shaky fingers digging themselves into the fabric of his jeans, heart beating louder in his ears the more he waited. 

And he waited.

And waited.

He waited until he was sure Yugyeom had already climbed out of the car, but didn't dare open his eyes, not when he knew his heart would crash on the floor at the sight of an empty seat next to him. 

"I don't know why you think I'd have someone else." 

Jinyoung jumped at the small voice, the same familiar tone still in the car with him. His eyes snapped open before he could even apprehend what was said. 

"I didn't tell you about Bambam because I love him." Yugyeom said, frowning. "I told you because...I just didn't know what else to say. I wanted a way out of the conversation and then you wouldn't listen to me anymore and made me leave and you were acting all weird about it. You -- you thought I loved him." Only now did Yugyeom stop to breathe in between, huffing. "You  _still_  think I do, and I don't know how that's possible after I just kissed you like that. Maybe I wasn't being clear enough -- "

"But you went to him." Jinyoung swallows, strained.

"You out of all people should already know I don't take orders." The way Yugyeom was pinning him against his seat with just a simple, knowing gaze was making Jinyoung breathless. "I was at Mark's. He made me a bed into his gaming room."

"At Mark's?" Jinyoung stupidly repeats. "Not with Bambam?"

"Not with Bambam. We -- " Yugyeom went silent for a bit. "We don't talk at the moment. He won't talk to me."

Jinyoung almost scoffed at the way the tables had turned, wanting to address Yugyeom about the same problem and tell him he's really no different. But he didn't have the energy for some petulant fight so he only nodded slowly, trying to look even a bit emphatic although he couldn't stand the guy. For Yugyeom, though, for him he would try.

"I'm sorry -- "

"No, you aren't." Yugyeom interrupted. "I saw your face that day, when Bambam and Mark dragged me home drunk. I saw it, and it wasn't welcoming. You hate him."

"I...don't hate him." Jinyoung tried. "I don't even know him."

"Isn't that enough of a reason to you?" Yugyeom asked, but he wasn't being completely serious, Jinyoung could tell. "I'll just...let him be for a while. He has Mark and Jackson for company. I'm not sure if he wants to see me, though."

Jinyoung faltered at the way Yugyeom's face dropped. 

"Until he does -- " Jinyoung paused, clearing his suddenly dry throat. How damn difficult could it be to just show a little support? "Until he does, you have me. And Youngjae. I'm sure you'll have Jaebum, too." 

Yugyeom only smiled at him weakly. "I don't deserve that." he said, voice dying down to a whisper. "I don't deserve you."

" _What?_ " All the air from Jinyoung's lungs was punched out. Everything Yugyeom had said so far made him feel like he was being pushed closer to the edge, but with those words? He tipped right over. 

"I hurt him. I hurt you. Because I can't handle my own problems." Yugyeom didn't stop short this time, actually giving him more, a reason. He was talking, and Jinyoung listened, no matter how much his heart was pounding in his chest. "I don't want to acknowledge them but I'm seeing the way it hurts the people around me. I'm seeing the way it hurts you." A single tear rolled down his cheek as he bit his lip to keep the rest of them in. He locked gazes with Jinyoung, looked at him with watery eyes and bottom lip quivering. "I don't want to hurt you, Jinyoung."

"I -- " Jinyoung squeaked, opening and closing his mouth in search for some words. "You haven't. I've only been hurting myself by being delusional -- "

"It's not your delusion!" Yugyeom insisted. "It's not. It's me. I've made you feel like none of that has been real when all of it was."

Jinyoung felt completely helpless now. Why was Yugyeom being so confusing again? Why couldn't he just talk straight?

" _What_ was real?" he asked, desperately latching on Yugyeom's arm when he turned his head back to the window on his side, clearly to avoid him. "What are you talking about?"

"Everything." Yugyeon spoke to his own figure reflecting from the glass.

"Yugyeom, please -- "

"Everything I've done with you, since the start, I've done it with real intentions. I've liked it, and I've liked it only with you, not anyone else." Yugyeom swallowed. "Do you remember the first time we -- when I came to you after I was kicked out of my apartment?"

Jinyoung inhaled sharply at the memory of it, of Yugyeom's lips against his and hands roaming all over. 

"Yeah." he sighed, willing his heart to slow down after the way too vivid scene in his mind. "Yeah, I do."

"You were the first person I thought of. I wanted to come to you, and I know I said it meant nothing to me the next day but...it immediately felt like home. It felt natural, and it scared me but I couldn't just stop because you drove me fucking crazy." Yugyeom shook his head, still tearing up. "I was afraid of my own feelings the morning after. I didn't think I'd -- I didn't think I'd fall even deeper."

"What are you saying -- ?"

"Jinyoung, I've been into you since we first met in that summer camp cafeteria three years ago. And I'm still...trying to be okay with it myself." Yugyeom quickly confessed while Jinyoung's jaw dropped to his feet. The already small space in the car suddenly felt even more cramped. "I don't think I've fully admitted it to myself yet."

"That's -- " Jinyoung gaped. "That's okay."

He tried to be supportive, he  _really_  tried to listen and be there for Yugyeom, but it was starting to get difficult with all the feelings and new information ripping his insides apart and begging for him to scream his own confession to his face. All he wanted was to chant  _I love you, I love you, I love you_ , but he didn't want to make him more hesitant than he already was. 

Instead, he carefully grabbed one of Yugyeom's hands in his own. He tensed at first, but allowed it after a second of relaxing, squeezing Jinyoung's hand a bit in turn.

"Have I made you feel scared?" Jinyoung gulped. The question was making him anxious, or rather the answer he didn't know and wished wasn't affirmative. "Of talking to me about this?"

Yugyeom gave his hand another reassuring squeeze. "No." he said, still uneasy despite confirming Jinyoung's doubts false. "It's something that happened long ago. In high school. I never talk about it because it -- " Eyes falling down on his lap, Yugyeom paused, nervously gnawing on his bottom lip. Jinyoung reached over to take a hold of his other hand, too, wordlessly telling him that he was still listening and not judging anything he had to say. With that, Yugyeom seemed to relax a bit again, lifting his head enough to give Jinyoung a small smile. "It can sometimes trigger a moment like that. Like when you picked me up from Bambam's house."

Jinyoung hesitated for a moment, brains running in full speed to try and come up with something that didn't seem like he was just brushing Yugyeom and his story off. He was finally opening up to him after so long, there wasn't any room to fuck it up even accidentally.

"Is there anything I can do?"

He'd never found himself being so gentle with Yugyeom, but it felt kind of...nice. Better than the eternal arguing, that's for sure. And he  _wanted_  to be nice, to make up for all the time he hadn't been. 

He couldn't help but wonder if his constant nagging and pressuring him to talk had messed with Yugyeom's head as well. What if he had caused him to feel that unwell? He wanted to apologise for countless of things, even the smallest, harmless mistakes. He wanted Yugyeom to know he truly cared, all the time, not only when he was having it difficult.

"I've been on meds before." Yugyeom said quietly, but it was enough to distract Jinyoung from his own tormenting thoughts. "I stopped when I quit school and they became less frequent." 

"Did they help?"

"Yeah." Yugyeom sighed, rolling his lips and tapping the door's handle in a nervous manner. "Listen, do you mind if we talk about something else?" He tried to smile. "How was work?"

"Sure!" Jinyoung hurried to say, afraid he might have prodded too much into his personal life. He let go of Yugyeom's hands to turn to the front, twisting the key in the socket and completely missing the disappointed look on Yugyeom's face. The car made a soft hum as it started. "Sure. Work, uh -- sorry, you never ask about that so I don't have an answer ready." he chuckled awkwardly.

"Are we going already?" Yugyeom stared at Jinyoung's hand on the gear shift.

"Huh?"

"Do you not want to talk about it?"

" _Oh_." Jinyoung stopped and withdrew the hand Yugyeom still had his eyes intently on, bringing it up to brush through his hair. "Your past? I thought you wanted to talk about something else -- "

"Not that." His voice went higher than before, sounding somewhat strained. "The other thing...before that."

Yugyeom looked like it pained him to say it out loud when Jinyoung still didn't catch on. 

"I said I'm into you." The words were so small Jinyoung barely heard them with the car already running. But he did, and it almost made him fall off his seat again. "I like you. As a lot more than just a provider of food and shelter."

Jinyoung could only stare at him in shock as Yugyeom went on,

"I hope I'm not just a roommate to you either."

_Would it be too weird to cry from happiness?_  Jinyoung thought as he finally shifted the gear and pulled out of the parking lot to the highway. He really felt like sobbing and his mind was all hazy, but he couldn't help but let his lips form into a small smile as he reached for Yugyeom's hand again and held it tightly in his while keeping the other steady on the wheel. 

They'd have  _a lot_  to talk about, but Jinyoung counted tonight as a start. It  _had_ to be a start.

"You aren't." he whispered, lacing their fingers together and tightening his grip. "Believe me, you're so much more than that."

 

\--

 

"Is this all you have?" Mark made a vague gesture at the small amount of luggage next to him.

"I won't need much, there's everything ready for me as always. My mom has had this idea of me moving back in for a long time so she's been saving my room."

"But you'll come back, right?"

"Yeah, eventually. I just need a bit of distance right now. Don't let Jackson miss me too much."

"I still think Yugyeom should know..." Another hesitant voice butted in.

"It won't be forever, Jackson, he'll live. And I'll call him when I'm ready."

The trio shared a group hug, all smiles and giggles and maybe a few tears, too, until the announcement for the flight echoed from the walls of the airport. 

"Have a safe trip." Mark told him as he ruffled his hair. 

"And bring us some souvenirs!" Jackson enthused.

With both requests promised, Bambam grabbed his suitcase and waved them goodbye as he walked to the line for security check.

He didn't let himself cry until he was seated on the plane, leaning his head on his palm while looking out the small window with headphones on. 

_Everything will be okay,_ he memorized Mark's words in his head.

_You can't force someone to love you._

_The feeling will pass._

The plane took off, the flight attendants welcoming them to the flight and going through the safety instructions. 

_You'll find the right one some day._

_We'll be here for you._

_You're not alone._

It didn't take long for him to fall asleep, just like it didn't take long for his brains to create an imagine of his best friend again. 

At least he hadn't disappeared from his dreams yet.

 


End file.
